It's been awhile since I've bogged, I've been so busy with school these past 2 weeks. But I must say, I'm doing well when it comes to my addiction.........and then today happens....
Like I said, I haven't relapsed. Good, right? Well, my fiancé was looking for something and found an old unused portion of a substance. He FLIPPED!
Of course he doesn't believe it's old. I immediately threw it out. Still, he doesn't believe. He said a lot of hurtful things. I feel awful because some of what he said (things about the past) are true. I was a liar, I did go outside of my relationship, I did use down here in Texas. But that was the past. Not now. I've been diving into my school work. It sort of became my new obsession. But now he thinks that while he's at work all day, I'm lying, saying I'm doing school work when I'm just getting high. Which is NOT TRUE! But after all of my past lies, how is he to believe this one truth? I also had a super bad night at work last night. Bad enough that I just gave my 2 weeks. Now I'm jobless and I might be single. He said he can't take anymore and he's going to leave. He said he is "living a life of hell" with me. Do you know how horrible I feel. That this good man looks at me like a life of hell. Between last night and today I feel so depressed. And I've been taking my meds. So i know what I feel isn't my illness. If I cause this much pain in people's lives....Why am I around?
Things were going well, now I feel feelings of Hopelessness, Desperation, and Despair.
Showing posts with label #sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #sadness. Show all posts
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Thursday, January 8, 2015
SADNESS AND DARKNESS
I am greatful today. Don't get me wrong. I have my amazing son and my ever so loving and faithful fiancé. What more could I ask for? We're all fairly healthy. We have a roof, food, heat and water. The family unit is very important to me. Which is not how I was brought up. Now, I'm not trying to throw my mom under the bus it's just how I remember it....
My childhood came to a screeching hault when my father passed. I was 8 and I couldn't handle the fact that I would never see my father again. My mother did the best she could. I know that. But she couldn't handle it either. My dad had only been 29 and no one thought he'd die before her, at least not at age 29. She was 10 years older than him. After he died, my mother went into a deep depression. My sister, the only sibling that I knew I had at the time, was 16 years older than me with her own 3 year old child. She didn't live with us and it wasn't like we had a whole lot in common. My brother (who at this time thought was my uncle) was 18 years older than me, again....nothing in common. And lastly, my youngest sister, who I only knew existed when I turned 16. So it's just me and mom. And wait, her ex-husband, my oldest sister's father would come over time to time and try to help us out financially. He is a good man. He stayed friends with my mom and was there for my father's funeral. My nephew (the 3 year old child) became the closest to me. Out of all my family, we're still the closest. We're the only ones each of us has, that we can really be honest with. But, how can I, an 8 year old, talk to him, a 3 year old, about my feeling of sadness and darkness that consumed me. This was definitely, the icing on the cake, that sealed my fate to turn to mind and mood altering substances.
Take for today as an example. A light went on in my head. I use because I don't want to feel. Feel stress, feel sadness, feel anxious, anything negative....I was not given the tools to learn how to cope.
"Using IS my coping mechanism. I'm not trying to hurt ANYONE! I just don't know how to feel."
I don't want to be deceitful and lie. I don't want my son to be embarrassed of me. I don't want my fiancé to leave. I dont want to hurt the ones I love. But, like I say, "You have to Learn to Love Yourself before you can love others." Which is exactly what I am trying to do with these blogs. Stay clean long enough to truly love myself. Otherwise, I'll never show my amazing family how much I do love them.
And so, like I started with, I don't mean throw my mother under the bus, but we weren't a "nuclear" family at all. Not that that's a bad thing. But I missed that, growing up with a mother and father, and throw a couple of siblings in my own age. Don't get me wrong:
I love All My Siblings and wouldn't trade them in for the world!
My childhood came to a screeching hault when my father passed. I was 8 and I couldn't handle the fact that I would never see my father again. My mother did the best she could. I know that. But she couldn't handle it either. My dad had only been 29 and no one thought he'd die before her, at least not at age 29. She was 10 years older than him. After he died, my mother went into a deep depression. My sister, the only sibling that I knew I had at the time, was 16 years older than me with her own 3 year old child. She didn't live with us and it wasn't like we had a whole lot in common. My brother (who at this time thought was my uncle) was 18 years older than me, again....nothing in common. And lastly, my youngest sister, who I only knew existed when I turned 16. So it's just me and mom. And wait, her ex-husband, my oldest sister's father would come over time to time and try to help us out financially. He is a good man. He stayed friends with my mom and was there for my father's funeral. My nephew (the 3 year old child) became the closest to me. Out of all my family, we're still the closest. We're the only ones each of us has, that we can really be honest with. But, how can I, an 8 year old, talk to him, a 3 year old, about my feeling of sadness and darkness that consumed me. This was definitely, the icing on the cake, that sealed my fate to turn to mind and mood altering substances.
Take for today as an example. A light went on in my head. I use because I don't want to feel. Feel stress, feel sadness, feel anxious, anything negative....I was not given the tools to learn how to cope.
"Using IS my coping mechanism. I'm not trying to hurt ANYONE! I just don't know how to feel."
I don't want to be deceitful and lie. I don't want my son to be embarrassed of me. I don't want my fiancé to leave. I dont want to hurt the ones I love. But, like I say, "You have to Learn to Love Yourself before you can love others." Which is exactly what I am trying to do with these blogs. Stay clean long enough to truly love myself. Otherwise, I'll never show my amazing family how much I do love them.
And so, like I started with, I don't mean throw my mother under the bus, but we weren't a "nuclear" family at all. Not that that's a bad thing. But I missed that, growing up with a mother and father, and throw a couple of siblings in my own age. Don't get me wrong:
I love All My Siblings and wouldn't trade them in for the world!
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