People Do Care

Hello Everyone! I had a goal to start blogging on a regular basis again for April. Here it is April 7th, and I'm just starting. But hey, at least I'm doing it!!

So, I've been so busy with school work, but...
I've remained clean!

I need to start blogging again about my addiction because it helps ME! I just read some comments on my last blog, "Not Working the Steps Yet", and they made me feel so good! One comment was from a nonaddict. I read her blog all of the time; she's great, and it made me feel good that she read and commented on mine. So that's one boost for my self-esteem!!! And the second comment was from an addict/alcoholic. (Not active.) She also made me feel good, she commented that, not everything works for everyone (in so many words). She let me know what worked for her and gave me suggestions. I love suggestions from people. It means to me that they care! I have to believe that everyday clean is a good day. I also received a phone call from a relative 2 minutes after my last blog posted. She told me how proud she was of me and that I'm doing a wonderful job! Sometimes I need to hear things like that to remind me  that:
every clean addict is a miracle! 

So, back to me staying clean. It's been a struggle; I'm not going to lie. But I'm doing it. One day at a time. One thing that is helping me is that I write to someone very dear to me and who is in jail. I consider this person a brother to me. I've been writing him a lot and letting him know what is going on with me. He is an addict as well, so he understands my craziness when no one else does. It truly is a help talking to another addict. I know, I have my fiance, who is not active and has been clean ten years. Maybe it's because he's invested so much emotion in me. Maybe it's because I think it is easier for him to stay clean. But somehow I feel that he doesn't totally understand my thinking. He asked me (a while back), "How are you feeling, not using?" My response was, "It's been a while since I've used, but I'm having cravings." That upset him. He expected me to say that I felt great and that I don't need that s***. I disappointed him. It's a constant struggle with me. Not a major one, but I think about using at least once a day. I even still have drug dreams. So, when I write my "brother" and tell him how I'm feeling, I know he understands because he lets me know how he's feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance to death. I just feel he doesn't get me in that area.

Many who don't understand will say, "Isn't your family enough to stay clean?" Staying clean or using isn't about them. It's about me and how I feel. I use over feelings. I know that feelings aren't facts, but they are real. I just have to remember that they also don't last forever; they too shall pass.

I know my triggers, first is boredom. That's a biggie for me. That's why it's easier for me to stay clean during school because I am so busy! My second trigger is feelings. Negative feelings trigger me more than positive ones. All it takes is for me to get depressed or feel like nothing matters. When life is tough and I want to give in is the worst! But I have to remember that this situation will not last forever. And I will be happy again soon! So, today is a new day, and I woke up, clean and happy!!

Before I go, I just want to thank you all for reading my blog. I know I can sometimes go off in crazy directions, and it might be difficult to follow. But I appreciate it. You comments keep me going. It's nice to know people care, people who don't even know me personally!

Miracles!

Well everyone! I'm still doing awesomely!! I am still clean and I feel great! It makes me wonder, what took me so long? When I'm in the grip of active addiction, I can't see anything else but the drug. I don't realize I haven't cleaned the house or made dinner or showered. I know....it's awful! But that's what active addiction does to me. I am so glad the obsession has been lifted. I can be clean but obsess over the drug! So I'm celebrating my obsession free time. It's a great day to be alive, clean and obsession free! I am a truly blessed person. The God of my understanding is good to me. Number 1 reason is I am still alive! The situations I used to put myself in, I could've been snatched up anytime (not even from the drug itself). But there was a different plan for me. One that included a very loving son. I was told at the age of 16, that I would not have children due to my "lack of self-respect". I caught something that could be cured with antibiotics, but by the time I realized anything was wrong, it was too late the damage had been done. So 10 years later, when my doctor told me I was pregnant...it was a MIRACLE! I always wanted a little boy, from the time I was young. I wanted to name him after my father, and my prayer was answered. So, you see, I have another incredible miracle to be thankful for. And the love that this child has for me, is UNBELIEVABLE! Everything I put him through, (because when I am in active addiction, my family suffers right there with me) he still loves me. And then 3 years later I was blessed with the most amazing man I've ever met (although at the time I had no clue that this was my soul mate). He has stuck by my side through thick and thin and back to thick. He is a recovering addict as well, and through all my relapses, he never once did. His explanation is that, he knew if he "went down that path with me, that would be the end of us as a family". He wasn't willing to give me and my son up for anything. And believe me, there were times where I pushed him to leave. I did everything in my power to try and make him go. Not because I really wanted him to leave. But because I felt like I wasn't worth a thing. He kept telling me he loved me and I was gonna show him that that's impossible. He really doesn't love me and never will love someone like me. But he stayed, and picked me up, and showed me what TRUE LOVE really was. Not physical attraction or love in good times and good times. But that he had UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me. So...I have 3 strong miracles in my life. I'm alive, I have a child and I have someone who loves me unconditionally. My life is complete. I am truly blessed. I need to remember these things if ever my disease wants to creep up on me. And I needed to share this blog with everyone. So I thank you for reading.