People Do Care

Hello Everyone! I had a goal to start blogging on a regular basis again for April. Here it is April 7th, and I'm just starting. But hey, at least I'm doing it!!

So, I've been so busy with school work, but...
I've remained clean!

I need to start blogging again about my addiction because it helps ME! I just read some comments on my last blog, "Not Working the Steps Yet", and they made me feel so good! One comment was from a nonaddict. I read her blog all of the time; she's great, and it made me feel good that she read and commented on mine. So that's one boost for my self-esteem!!! And the second comment was from an addict/alcoholic. (Not active.) She also made me feel good, she commented that, not everything works for everyone (in so many words). She let me know what worked for her and gave me suggestions. I love suggestions from people. It means to me that they care! I have to believe that everyday clean is a good day. I also received a phone call from a relative 2 minutes after my last blog posted. She told me how proud she was of me and that I'm doing a wonderful job! Sometimes I need to hear things like that to remind me  that:
every clean addict is a miracle! 

So, back to me staying clean. It's been a struggle; I'm not going to lie. But I'm doing it. One day at a time. One thing that is helping me is that I write to someone very dear to me and who is in jail. I consider this person a brother to me. I've been writing him a lot and letting him know what is going on with me. He is an addict as well, so he understands my craziness when no one else does. It truly is a help talking to another addict. I know, I have my fiance, who is not active and has been clean ten years. Maybe it's because he's invested so much emotion in me. Maybe it's because I think it is easier for him to stay clean. But somehow I feel that he doesn't totally understand my thinking. He asked me (a while back), "How are you feeling, not using?" My response was, "It's been a while since I've used, but I'm having cravings." That upset him. He expected me to say that I felt great and that I don't need that s***. I disappointed him. It's a constant struggle with me. Not a major one, but I think about using at least once a day. I even still have drug dreams. So, when I write my "brother" and tell him how I'm feeling, I know he understands because he lets me know how he's feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance to death. I just feel he doesn't get me in that area.

Many who don't understand will say, "Isn't your family enough to stay clean?" Staying clean or using isn't about them. It's about me and how I feel. I use over feelings. I know that feelings aren't facts, but they are real. I just have to remember that they also don't last forever; they too shall pass.

I know my triggers, first is boredom. That's a biggie for me. That's why it's easier for me to stay clean during school because I am so busy! My second trigger is feelings. Negative feelings trigger me more than positive ones. All it takes is for me to get depressed or feel like nothing matters. When life is tough and I want to give in is the worst! But I have to remember that this situation will not last forever. And I will be happy again soon! So, today is a new day, and I woke up, clean and happy!!

Before I go, I just want to thank you all for reading my blog. I know I can sometimes go off in crazy directions, and it might be difficult to follow. But I appreciate it. You comments keep me going. It's nice to know people care, people who don't even know me personally!

NOT WORKING THE STEPS YET

I kind of dropped the ball for a minute. I stopped writing. Well, I didn't actually stop writing, I was working on a guest blog post for this blog called "JingleJangleJungle". I thought that I would be able to crank it out in no time, like I can do with my "Learning to Love Yourself 1 & 2" blogs. But this was different. I'm used to writing about me, my life, and my battle with the disease of addiction. But "JingleJangleJungle" is about music. So I needed to incorporate music into a blog about me. It was difficult, but I did it! You can read my blog on March 29th at 

http://www.jinglejanglejungle.net/2015/03/guest-danielle-perillo.html

But not until Sunday.

So, here I am. Writing again. Letting y' all into my personal space. Let me first say, I've been doing good, I'm still clean! Also, I've been maintaining 4.0 GPA. Yes, that's all good. So, why do I feel the way I do? I feel like I've lost that positive spark. The one I used to have. I don't want to use. So, let's get that clear. But I just don't feel as excited as I used to be about being clean either. It's like I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe I stopped growing. Maybe I do know what's going on and I'm too embarrassed to say. Maybe it's more than one specific thing.

Well, I said from the beginning that, "I was always going to be honest". The main reason I created this blog was for me and to help me in my recovery. So, if I'm not honest, I might as well not write. (Do you see where I'm going?) 

I haven't gone to a single meeting, I haven't met a sponsor, and I haven't worked on the steps, I may have put down the drug, but my behaviors are still there. 

(For those of you who don't know, there are 12 steps in recovery. I won't get too in-depth, but they help you to surrender, to give your life over to your creator, and to work each day on correcting your character defaults. A person will never be perfect, so when you've completed steps 1-12, you start over. It's something you do for the rest of your life. And you can't work (do) them on your own. You need a sponsor, someone who is clean and is living the 12 steps.)

So, let's start with, I'm not good with money. Being an addict, I have something inside myself (which all addicts have), "I want what I want when I want it!" Like wanting a second car. I'm not even allowed to drive! I still have not gotten my license back from my DWI. I'm eligible, but I haven't done it. Because my PA license is expired, I have to take the written and driving test again (after I pay my reinstatement fee). So, I have no license, but went out looking for a second car last month anyway. Bought one too. One that I knew we couldn't afford. And one that we paid too much money for. But my credit is so messed up, I was willing to take anything anyone would've given to me. Well, that car got totaled. Thank God, my fiance wasn't hurt in the accident. The sheriff doesn't understand how the car didn't flip over the guard rail. (It went straight up in the air. The truck slid down a steep hillside into a creek. The truck should have slid down on its head, but it didn't.) I'm in over my head financially with many other smaller things too, like payday loans. So, I finally broke down and asked for help. I have 2 incredible women working on a financial plan to help me get out of this hole. A hole I dug myself in because of behaviors I need to change.

I know all of this intellectually, that I need meetings, a sponsor and to work the steps. I've been through this process many times before. I know that the only way to, not only stay clean, but to be in recovery, is to work the steps. The longer I stay out of the recovery process and simply remain clean, the greater chance I have to relapse. Because, for those of you who don't know, relapse starts WAY before a drink or a drug is ever picked up. It begins with your behaviors and your thinking. 

So, what am I still doing sitting here and not at a meeting? Right? I honestly don't know. I'm so depressed that I don't want to go anywhere. It's like I'm stuck in a vicious circle. Maybe I'll feel better come April, knowing that all of my bills are paid and, I may not have much to live off of this month. But if I stick to the budget, this summer I'll be able to afford to do something nice with my family! I don't know. The only thing I do know is I have to get my butt to a meeting!!

Miracles!

Well everyone! I'm still doing awesomely!! I am still clean and I feel great! It makes me wonder, what took me so long? When I'm in the grip of active addiction, I can't see anything else but the drug. I don't realize I haven't cleaned the house or made dinner or showered. I know....it's awful! But that's what active addiction does to me. I am so glad the obsession has been lifted. I can be clean but obsess over the drug! So I'm celebrating my obsession free time. It's a great day to be alive, clean and obsession free! I am a truly blessed person. The God of my understanding is good to me. Number 1 reason is I am still alive! The situations I used to put myself in, I could've been snatched up anytime (not even from the drug itself). But there was a different plan for me. One that included a very loving son. I was told at the age of 16, that I would not have children due to my "lack of self-respect". I caught something that could be cured with antibiotics, but by the time I realized anything was wrong, it was too late the damage had been done. So 10 years later, when my doctor told me I was pregnant...it was a MIRACLE! I always wanted a little boy, from the time I was young. I wanted to name him after my father, and my prayer was answered. So, you see, I have another incredible miracle to be thankful for. And the love that this child has for me, is UNBELIEVABLE! Everything I put him through, (because when I am in active addiction, my family suffers right there with me) he still loves me. And then 3 years later I was blessed with the most amazing man I've ever met (although at the time I had no clue that this was my soul mate). He has stuck by my side through thick and thin and back to thick. He is a recovering addict as well, and through all my relapses, he never once did. His explanation is that, he knew if he "went down that path with me, that would be the end of us as a family". He wasn't willing to give me and my son up for anything. And believe me, there were times where I pushed him to leave. I did everything in my power to try and make him go. Not because I really wanted him to leave. But because I felt like I wasn't worth a thing. He kept telling me he loved me and I was gonna show him that that's impossible. He really doesn't love me and never will love someone like me. But he stayed, and picked me up, and showed me what TRUE LOVE really was. Not physical attraction or love in good times and good times. But that he had UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me. So...I have 3 strong miracles in my life. I'm alive, I have a child and I have someone who loves me unconditionally. My life is complete. I am truly blessed. I need to remember these things if ever my disease wants to creep up on me. And I needed to share this blog with everyone. So I thank you for reading.

I MADE IT!

The other day I was sitting, doing my school work when I realized, I don't want to use anymore! This was the first time I felt like that since my relapse. My assignment was about visualization. I had to visualize characteristics that I'd need to earn my degree, and visualize one time in my life that I had those characteristics. I remembered how it felt to live clean and sober, because obviously, I wouldn't have those characteristics when using. Anyway, I brought myself back to that moment in time and felt what it felt like to live clean. I could smell it, taste it! I made it! I stayed clean long enough to actually not want to use. I got over the hump. This is the most wonderful feeling in the world! I know some of you who read my blog aren't addicts, but if you could imagine...living in a dark hole, forgetting how to live, and then one day you remember how to live in the light. I just wanted to share that with everyone.  I'm on my way, finally.  It's been a long, dark road, but it made me who I am today.

RELAPSE IN RECOVERY

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in recovery)

I thought, if someone just gave me the right ultimatum, I'd never use again. Why was I so different? Why couldn't I live without putting chemicals into my body? What was wrong with ME? I know people who, from the time they first stepped into the rooms....haven't relapsed. Why couldn't that be me? Take my fiancé, he decided 10 years ago that....that was it. He wasn't gonna live that way anymore. And that's that. He hasn't. Through all my B.S., nothing. I'm jealous of him and his ability to do that.

But.....THAT'S NOT ME....

So, what do I do? Simple really......

I have to be the one to make the decision to NEVER USE AGAIN!

That's right. So simple, yet so difficult. I must be the one to decide. No one can force me. No one can give me an ultimatum.  No one can do it for me. So.....until something clicks inside of me, (I may need to hit my heas a few more times,) I'll just keep coming back.

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in my story)....

Hopefully it won't be for long. With each relapse I get closer to that beautiful day, where I can Learn to Love Myself enough to not put chemicals in my body.

ANNIVERSARY/SHORT & SWEET

It may not seem like a big deal to some, but I'm at my one week anniversary! One week without any chemicals in my body. I've been here before, recently....

VERY RECENTLY

I only hope this time I can make it past 2. I told you in the beginning, I was going to be brutally honest. It doesn't get much more honest than that.

Do you know how hard it is to admit in a blog, online, for the world to see that you're on a week? But if I'm not honest right now....I'll relapse.

And I'll do anything to stay clean.

ANYTHING! !