NOT WORKING THE STEPS YET

I kind of dropped the ball for a minute. I stopped writing. Well, I didn't actually stop writing, I was working on a guest blog post for this blog called "JingleJangleJungle". I thought that I would be able to crank it out in no time, like I can do with my "Learning to Love Yourself 1 & 2" blogs. But this was different. I'm used to writing about me, my life, and my battle with the disease of addiction. But "JingleJangleJungle" is about music. So I needed to incorporate music into a blog about me. It was difficult, but I did it! You can read my blog on March 29th at 

http://www.jinglejanglejungle.net/2015/03/guest-danielle-perillo.html

But not until Sunday.

So, here I am. Writing again. Letting y' all into my personal space. Let me first say, I've been doing good, I'm still clean! Also, I've been maintaining 4.0 GPA. Yes, that's all good. So, why do I feel the way I do? I feel like I've lost that positive spark. The one I used to have. I don't want to use. So, let's get that clear. But I just don't feel as excited as I used to be about being clean either. It's like I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe I stopped growing. Maybe I do know what's going on and I'm too embarrassed to say. Maybe it's more than one specific thing.

Well, I said from the beginning that, "I was always going to be honest". The main reason I created this blog was for me and to help me in my recovery. So, if I'm not honest, I might as well not write. (Do you see where I'm going?) 

I haven't gone to a single meeting, I haven't met a sponsor, and I haven't worked on the steps, I may have put down the drug, but my behaviors are still there. 

(For those of you who don't know, there are 12 steps in recovery. I won't get too in-depth, but they help you to surrender, to give your life over to your creator, and to work each day on correcting your character defaults. A person will never be perfect, so when you've completed steps 1-12, you start over. It's something you do for the rest of your life. And you can't work (do) them on your own. You need a sponsor, someone who is clean and is living the 12 steps.)

So, let's start with, I'm not good with money. Being an addict, I have something inside myself (which all addicts have), "I want what I want when I want it!" Like wanting a second car. I'm not even allowed to drive! I still have not gotten my license back from my DWI. I'm eligible, but I haven't done it. Because my PA license is expired, I have to take the written and driving test again (after I pay my reinstatement fee). So, I have no license, but went out looking for a second car last month anyway. Bought one too. One that I knew we couldn't afford. And one that we paid too much money for. But my credit is so messed up, I was willing to take anything anyone would've given to me. Well, that car got totaled. Thank God, my fiance wasn't hurt in the accident. The sheriff doesn't understand how the car didn't flip over the guard rail. (It went straight up in the air. The truck slid down a steep hillside into a creek. The truck should have slid down on its head, but it didn't.) I'm in over my head financially with many other smaller things too, like payday loans. So, I finally broke down and asked for help. I have 2 incredible women working on a financial plan to help me get out of this hole. A hole I dug myself in because of behaviors I need to change.

I know all of this intellectually, that I need meetings, a sponsor and to work the steps. I've been through this process many times before. I know that the only way to, not only stay clean, but to be in recovery, is to work the steps. The longer I stay out of the recovery process and simply remain clean, the greater chance I have to relapse. Because, for those of you who don't know, relapse starts WAY before a drink or a drug is ever picked up. It begins with your behaviors and your thinking. 

So, what am I still doing sitting here and not at a meeting? Right? I honestly don't know. I'm so depressed that I don't want to go anywhere. It's like I'm stuck in a vicious circle. Maybe I'll feel better come April, knowing that all of my bills are paid and, I may not have much to live off of this month. But if I stick to the budget, this summer I'll be able to afford to do something nice with my family! I don't know. The only thing I do know is I have to get my butt to a meeting!!

RELAPSE IN RECOVERY

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in recovery)

I thought, if someone just gave me the right ultimatum, I'd never use again. Why was I so different? Why couldn't I live without putting chemicals into my body? What was wrong with ME? I know people who, from the time they first stepped into the rooms....haven't relapsed. Why couldn't that be me? Take my fiancé, he decided 10 years ago that....that was it. He wasn't gonna live that way anymore. And that's that. He hasn't. Through all my B.S., nothing. I'm jealous of him and his ability to do that.

But.....THAT'S NOT ME....

So, what do I do? Simple really......

I have to be the one to make the decision to NEVER USE AGAIN!

That's right. So simple, yet so difficult. I must be the one to decide. No one can force me. No one can give me an ultimatum.  No one can do it for me. So.....until something clicks inside of me, (I may need to hit my heas a few more times,) I'll just keep coming back.

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in my story)....

Hopefully it won't be for long. With each relapse I get closer to that beautiful day, where I can Learn to Love Myself enough to not put chemicals in my body.