Showing posts with label #NewBeginnings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #NewBeginnings. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I MADE IT!
The other day I was sitting, doing my school work when I realized, I don't want to use anymore! This was the first time I felt like that since my relapse. My assignment was about visualization. I had to visualize characteristics that I'd need to earn my degree, and visualize one time in my life that I had those characteristics. I remembered how it felt to live clean and sober, because obviously, I wouldn't have those characteristics when using. Anyway, I brought myself back to that moment in time and felt what it felt like to live clean. I could smell it, taste it! I made it! I stayed clean long enough to actually not want to use. I got over the hump. This is the most wonderful feeling in the world! I know some of you who read my blog aren't addicts, but if you could imagine...living in a dark hole, forgetting how to live, and then one day you remember how to live in the light. I just wanted to share that with everyone. I'm on my way, finally. It's been a long, dark road, but it made me who I am today.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
GOING GOOD
So....yesterday was my first day of online college. I am taking 2 courses.
"Pathways to Academic & Professional Success" is my first course. This course, (I can already tell), is exactly what I was missing the first 2 times I went to college. It helps you figure out where your strengths are and helps you identify your weaknesses, so you can study and do well in school. Perfect, perfect, perfect course for me. I'm really starting to think 100% that I made the right decision. So far I've learned I am strong in self motivation. Just hearing a response from an assessment like that gives me motivation and mental strength. I was also told I am not so good in managing my time, which I already knew. But here's the thing, I knew, but that's it. I knew. I didn't have suggestions on how to fix the problem. Now I know to write stuff down that I have to do. Prioritize! And give myself time limits.
My second course is "Intro to Criminal Justice". Oh yeah, have I told you I've alway, my whole life, wanted to go into some area of law.
When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge. (First female at that time.) When I was in my 20's, I worked for a law firm and I wanted to be a paralegal. And now, I would love to become a
Criminal Defense Attorney!
That's right, a criminal defense attorney. First I will get my paralegal degree. Once I secure a job as a paralegal...I will go to law school!
I will be financially stable after passing the BAR. I will donate some of my time to people who can't afford an attorney and are stuck with public defenders. As long as I believe in their case, I will take it Pro-Bono. I believe everyone, whether rich or poor, should get excellent legal service. And I've been on the other side 1 too many times with a public defender. They get the job done, but that's it. They get the job done .
Anyway,
HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!
My second course is "Intro to Criminal Justice". Oh yeah, have I told you I've alway, my whole life, wanted to go into some area of law.
When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge. (First female at that time.) When I was in my 20's, I worked for a law firm and I wanted to be a paralegal. And now, I would love to become a
Criminal Defense Attorney!
That's right, a criminal defense attorney. First I will get my paralegal degree. Once I secure a job as a paralegal...I will go to law school!
I will be financially stable after passing the BAR. I will donate some of my time to people who can't afford an attorney and are stuck with public defenders. As long as I believe in their case, I will take it Pro-Bono. I believe everyone, whether rich or poor, should get excellent legal service. And I've been on the other side 1 too many times with a public defender. They get the job done, but that's it. They get the job done .
Anyway,
HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
SCHOOL STARTS
School starts tomorrow!
I'm starting back, well actually I'm attending, you could say, for the first time.
2 other times I attempted school. The first time I was just 21....funny, I signed up with my sister who is 16 years older than me....she was 37. I am now, 37. Anyway, we signed up at community college together. I don't have to say what obviously happened to me.....I dropped out. I wanted to party and not study....AT ALL! So, when it came time for our first quiz, I knew nothing. I stood up, went over to the teacher with my quiz in hand...and said, "Nothing you taught is on this quiz." Well, she informed me that the quiz was on the material she assigned us to read. So I walked out. Just left. I felt relieved really. Now I could go to the bar every night and not have my sister, with whom I was living, get on my case. Of course, she works in computers, for some company. Traveling around the U.S. showing people how to use some software. And me....well, I'm just beginning.
The second time, I had my son...he was 4. I was living in my mom's basement apartment. I had been clean for 3 years at this point. Well, I just started dabbling. So I get the idea, probably high one day, to go to school again. I signed up, but by the time school started I was in full active addiction. Physically addicted. So needless to say I think I went to 2 classes at the most. 1 class one day, and a different class a week later. I couldn't even make the 2 classes the same week.
So why then, now...I'm when I'm struggling to stay clean...am I going back to school? I can't give you an answer. It just feels right. I believe my situation now is different. I believe school will put me on the right track. I'm trying to stay clean this time. Not trying to get high.
I'm starting back, well actually I'm attending, you could say, for the first time.
2 other times I attempted school. The first time I was just 21....funny, I signed up with my sister who is 16 years older than me....she was 37. I am now, 37. Anyway, we signed up at community college together. I don't have to say what obviously happened to me.....I dropped out. I wanted to party and not study....AT ALL! So, when it came time for our first quiz, I knew nothing. I stood up, went over to the teacher with my quiz in hand...and said, "Nothing you taught is on this quiz." Well, she informed me that the quiz was on the material she assigned us to read. So I walked out. Just left. I felt relieved really. Now I could go to the bar every night and not have my sister, with whom I was living, get on my case. Of course, she works in computers, for some company. Traveling around the U.S. showing people how to use some software. And me....well, I'm just beginning.
The second time, I had my son...he was 4. I was living in my mom's basement apartment. I had been clean for 3 years at this point. Well, I just started dabbling. So I get the idea, probably high one day, to go to school again. I signed up, but by the time school started I was in full active addiction. Physically addicted. So needless to say I think I went to 2 classes at the most. 1 class one day, and a different class a week later. I couldn't even make the 2 classes the same week.
So why then, now...I'm when I'm struggling to stay clean...am I going back to school? I can't give you an answer. It just feels right. I believe my situation now is different. I believe school will put me on the right track. I'm trying to stay clean this time. Not trying to get high.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
MY YEAR IN REVIEW
My Year In Review....
This past year has been one Rollercoaster Ride, for me & my family. January 1, 2014, we were on the road driving from Philadelphia, PA to Austin, TX. I was at the bottom with my addiction. Using every day, spending obscene amounts of money every day. My fiancé gave me an ultimatum, move or he leaves. So, January 1, 2014, we packed our SUV with clothes, our son's video games and toys, 2 chihuahuas, 2 cats and left. We didn't have even $2,000 for the trip (gas, food, hotels). But we made it, somehow, to my sister's home in Spicewood, TX.
Those 4 days of driving, I thought about using....but it wasn't until we reached our destination that I started freaking out, (in my head). "Where was I going to get my stuff?"
REALITY SET IN!
This was the deal I made with my fiancé. To move and stop using. We tried detox, rehabs, nothing could help. We were hoping the move would at least get us far enough away to where I'd get some forced clean time. We thought if I could get enough time, (even forced) I'd remember how it feels to be clean. Everything was fine until April 24, 2014....which It told you about previously in "Struggle".
I don't remember the first time I picked up in Texas, but I do know I almost repeated the same pattern I had in PA. Almost. I caught myself this time. YES, MY LIFE BECAME UNMANAGEABLE & YES, I WAS POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, but this time I was at a point where I could stop, or so I thought. It took me going back to PA to get away from the substance that roams the area I live in down South. Since I've been back, I've picked up twice. Yes I said twice. Today, I stopped calling Janey and went my own way. I've been upset ever since.
So now I have a new date, January 2, 2015. And I only pray that this is my last date. I told you I would be brutally honest. And I will keep that promise. Even if it means more humiliation. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I'd rather have people talk behind my back, but be clean, then people thinking I'm clean and secretly killing myself.
I didn't start off the year the greatest, but it doesn't mean the year will be bad. Last year I was definitely worse off. So if I've made an improvement, even small, that's good enough for me.
(Names have been changed.)
This past year has been one Rollercoaster Ride, for me & my family. January 1, 2014, we were on the road driving from Philadelphia, PA to Austin, TX. I was at the bottom with my addiction. Using every day, spending obscene amounts of money every day. My fiancé gave me an ultimatum, move or he leaves. So, January 1, 2014, we packed our SUV with clothes, our son's video games and toys, 2 chihuahuas, 2 cats and left. We didn't have even $2,000 for the trip (gas, food, hotels). But we made it, somehow, to my sister's home in Spicewood, TX.
Those 4 days of driving, I thought about using....but it wasn't until we reached our destination that I started freaking out, (in my head). "Where was I going to get my stuff?"
REALITY SET IN!
This was the deal I made with my fiancé. To move and stop using. We tried detox, rehabs, nothing could help. We were hoping the move would at least get us far enough away to where I'd get some forced clean time. We thought if I could get enough time, (even forced) I'd remember how it feels to be clean. Everything was fine until April 24, 2014....which It told you about previously in "Struggle".
I don't remember the first time I picked up in Texas, but I do know I almost repeated the same pattern I had in PA. Almost. I caught myself this time. YES, MY LIFE BECAME UNMANAGEABLE & YES, I WAS POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, but this time I was at a point where I could stop, or so I thought. It took me going back to PA to get away from the substance that roams the area I live in down South. Since I've been back, I've picked up twice. Yes I said twice. Today, I stopped calling Janey and went my own way. I've been upset ever since.
So now I have a new date, January 2, 2015. And I only pray that this is my last date. I told you I would be brutally honest. And I will keep that promise. Even if it means more humiliation. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I'd rather have people talk behind my back, but be clean, then people thinking I'm clean and secretly killing myself.
I didn't start off the year the greatest, but it doesn't mean the year will be bad. Last year I was definitely worse off. So if I've made an improvement, even small, that's good enough for me.
(Names have been changed.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)