THE LIEBSTER AWARD

Hello, Everyone!!
Today a very special blogger, Ashely at Chronicles of a Cold Texan nominated me for the Liebster Award! I just want to talk about this amazing lady for a moment. She is originally from Texas and currently lives in Finland. Her blog is about her tales, or so, in her journey from being a Texan to living in Finland. But she writes about so much more. She is an amazing blogger, a rare gem, and you would be my honor for you to check out her blog.

With that said, I want to say, thank you, Ashley, from the bottom of my heart. When I read my name in the nominee section, I wanted to cry.

This Award is a way us to expose newer bloggers, which we think are pretty impressive, and share them with the world. To let them know, they are doing an excellent job and keep writing. As Ashley said, "a virtual high-five."

Ashley has asked me eight questions:

1. How did you come up with the title of your blog and what it would be about?
Many of you know that I suffer from the disease of addiction. During my struggles, I lost my self-esteem. I lost how to love myself. This blog is a way for me to get back what I lost.

2. What inspires you write?
I am very honest with my readers, and if I have cravings or a relapse, they are the first to know. Being accountable to someone is a huge help in my battle with recovery. The longer I stay clean, the more I build back my self-esteem. The more I write, the quicker I "Learn to Love Myself."

3. Please share ten random facts about yourself.
1. I am a Philly girl trying to make her way down south.
2. I've been battling with addiction for over 20 years.
3. I am finally following my dream of going into the law field and went back to school.
4. Along with the disease of addiction, I suffer from mental illness.
5. I have one miracle son (I was told at the age of 16 that I could not have children)
6. My father past when I was eight, and it was the biggest devastation in my life.
7. I am engaged to a wonderful man who is a support for me with my battle.
8. I have two beautiful step-daughters from my 1st marriage and six step-grandchildren (and one on the way).
9. I can drink coffee black, with cream, with sugar, or with cream and sugar, morning, noon and night.
10. Summer is my favorite season, the cold goes right through to my bones.

4. How do you like to spend your spare time when you are not blogging?

When I am not blogging or studying, I love to go to the lake, Lake Travis, with my family.

5. What is the number one thing you have on your "bucket list"?
To complete law school.

6. Who/What are 3 blogs you love?
Chronicles of a Cold Texan
From Struggle to Strength
Jingle Jangle Jungle

7. What is your proudest moment?
The night I had my son.

8. What is the trend you've been loving lately?
I love the fact that America is opening up its minds, and gay people are allowed to be married in some states.

My nominees:
Eric Ease - From Struggle to Strength
Mary Burris - Jingle Jangle Jungle
Alison Ferrier- I Just Wanna Hear Some Rhythm

The rules for the nominees:
Acknowledge the blog who nominated you
Answer the questions I've asked of you
Nominate (and inform) 3-10 bloggers with generally less than 200 followers. (I took that word generally and used it :))

Ask them your questions
Share the LOVE!!

My questions for the nominees:
1.  How did you come up with the title of your blog and what it would be about?
2.  What inspires you to write?
3.  What started you blogging?
4.  What are ten random facts about you?
5.  What is your favorite season and why?
6.  What are your three favorite blogs?
7.  What did you want to be when you grew up?
8.  What is the #1 thing on your bucket list?
9.  Describe yourself in one sentence.
10. What is your favorite social media outlet and why?

People Do Care

Hello Everyone! I had a goal to start blogging on a regular basis again for April. Here it is April 7th, and I'm just starting. But hey, at least I'm doing it!!

So, I've been so busy with school work, but...
I've remained clean!

I need to start blogging again about my addiction because it helps ME! I just read some comments on my last blog, "Not Working the Steps Yet", and they made me feel so good! One comment was from a nonaddict. I read her blog all of the time; she's great, and it made me feel good that she read and commented on mine. So that's one boost for my self-esteem!!! And the second comment was from an addict/alcoholic. (Not active.) She also made me feel good, she commented that, not everything works for everyone (in so many words). She let me know what worked for her and gave me suggestions. I love suggestions from people. It means to me that they care! I have to believe that everyday clean is a good day. I also received a phone call from a relative 2 minutes after my last blog posted. She told me how proud she was of me and that I'm doing a wonderful job! Sometimes I need to hear things like that to remind me  that:
every clean addict is a miracle! 

So, back to me staying clean. It's been a struggle; I'm not going to lie. But I'm doing it. One day at a time. One thing that is helping me is that I write to someone very dear to me and who is in jail. I consider this person a brother to me. I've been writing him a lot and letting him know what is going on with me. He is an addict as well, so he understands my craziness when no one else does. It truly is a help talking to another addict. I know, I have my fiance, who is not active and has been clean ten years. Maybe it's because he's invested so much emotion in me. Maybe it's because I think it is easier for him to stay clean. But somehow I feel that he doesn't totally understand my thinking. He asked me (a while back), "How are you feeling, not using?" My response was, "It's been a while since I've used, but I'm having cravings." That upset him. He expected me to say that I felt great and that I don't need that s***. I disappointed him. It's a constant struggle with me. Not a major one, but I think about using at least once a day. I even still have drug dreams. So, when I write my "brother" and tell him how I'm feeling, I know he understands because he lets me know how he's feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance to death. I just feel he doesn't get me in that area.

Many who don't understand will say, "Isn't your family enough to stay clean?" Staying clean or using isn't about them. It's about me and how I feel. I use over feelings. I know that feelings aren't facts, but they are real. I just have to remember that they also don't last forever; they too shall pass.

I know my triggers, first is boredom. That's a biggie for me. That's why it's easier for me to stay clean during school because I am so busy! My second trigger is feelings. Negative feelings trigger me more than positive ones. All it takes is for me to get depressed or feel like nothing matters. When life is tough and I want to give in is the worst! But I have to remember that this situation will not last forever. And I will be happy again soon! So, today is a new day, and I woke up, clean and happy!!

Before I go, I just want to thank you all for reading my blog. I know I can sometimes go off in crazy directions, and it might be difficult to follow. But I appreciate it. You comments keep me going. It's nice to know people care, people who don't even know me personally!

NOT WORKING THE STEPS YET

I kind of dropped the ball for a minute. I stopped writing. Well, I didn't actually stop writing, I was working on a guest blog post for this blog called "JingleJangleJungle". I thought that I would be able to crank it out in no time, like I can do with my "Learning to Love Yourself 1 & 2" blogs. But this was different. I'm used to writing about me, my life, and my battle with the disease of addiction. But "JingleJangleJungle" is about music. So I needed to incorporate music into a blog about me. It was difficult, but I did it! You can read my blog on March 29th at 

http://www.jinglejanglejungle.net/2015/03/guest-danielle-perillo.html

But not until Sunday.

So, here I am. Writing again. Letting y' all into my personal space. Let me first say, I've been doing good, I'm still clean! Also, I've been maintaining 4.0 GPA. Yes, that's all good. So, why do I feel the way I do? I feel like I've lost that positive spark. The one I used to have. I don't want to use. So, let's get that clear. But I just don't feel as excited as I used to be about being clean either. It's like I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe I stopped growing. Maybe I do know what's going on and I'm too embarrassed to say. Maybe it's more than one specific thing.

Well, I said from the beginning that, "I was always going to be honest". The main reason I created this blog was for me and to help me in my recovery. So, if I'm not honest, I might as well not write. (Do you see where I'm going?) 

I haven't gone to a single meeting, I haven't met a sponsor, and I haven't worked on the steps, I may have put down the drug, but my behaviors are still there. 

(For those of you who don't know, there are 12 steps in recovery. I won't get too in-depth, but they help you to surrender, to give your life over to your creator, and to work each day on correcting your character defaults. A person will never be perfect, so when you've completed steps 1-12, you start over. It's something you do for the rest of your life. And you can't work (do) them on your own. You need a sponsor, someone who is clean and is living the 12 steps.)

So, let's start with, I'm not good with money. Being an addict, I have something inside myself (which all addicts have), "I want what I want when I want it!" Like wanting a second car. I'm not even allowed to drive! I still have not gotten my license back from my DWI. I'm eligible, but I haven't done it. Because my PA license is expired, I have to take the written and driving test again (after I pay my reinstatement fee). So, I have no license, but went out looking for a second car last month anyway. Bought one too. One that I knew we couldn't afford. And one that we paid too much money for. But my credit is so messed up, I was willing to take anything anyone would've given to me. Well, that car got totaled. Thank God, my fiance wasn't hurt in the accident. The sheriff doesn't understand how the car didn't flip over the guard rail. (It went straight up in the air. The truck slid down a steep hillside into a creek. The truck should have slid down on its head, but it didn't.) I'm in over my head financially with many other smaller things too, like payday loans. So, I finally broke down and asked for help. I have 2 incredible women working on a financial plan to help me get out of this hole. A hole I dug myself in because of behaviors I need to change.

I know all of this intellectually, that I need meetings, a sponsor and to work the steps. I've been through this process many times before. I know that the only way to, not only stay clean, but to be in recovery, is to work the steps. The longer I stay out of the recovery process and simply remain clean, the greater chance I have to relapse. Because, for those of you who don't know, relapse starts WAY before a drink or a drug is ever picked up. It begins with your behaviors and your thinking. 

So, what am I still doing sitting here and not at a meeting? Right? I honestly don't know. I'm so depressed that I don't want to go anywhere. It's like I'm stuck in a vicious circle. Maybe I'll feel better come April, knowing that all of my bills are paid and, I may not have much to live off of this month. But if I stick to the budget, this summer I'll be able to afford to do something nice with my family! I don't know. The only thing I do know is I have to get my butt to a meeting!!

Grateful

I am truly grateful today! I can honestly say that too. And a grateful addict will never use. So I gotta keep this going. Today I'm going to be short and sweet. I've had my mouth closed for a minute trying to keep up with my school work. But I've been doing great! Life couldn't bee better. Of course, I'm not walking on cloud 9 the whole time, I have my moments, but I'm glad those moments that I have I'm clean and sober. Like right now I'm going through something because I'm trying to get some legal bills paid and I can't get through to a human...it's all automated! I need certain info to pay online that only this agency can give me. I might even get a violation of my probation if someone doesn't call me back before 5pm today. But you know what? God's got me. And if it's meant to happen, it's mean to happen. I did my part. I left a message. and the answering machine message said, "If you leave multiple messages, your call will not be returned." So I left one, that's all I can do. Anyway...that's what I'm talking about. I'm not on cloud 9, but life is good! I'm alive and clean and thank God, today I have the money to actually pay these legal bills. Before, I would have been violated because I spent the money on substances. But not today! So, if your day isn't going right, just think about, life could be a lot worse. And there will never be anything coming at you that you can't handle. I promise that!Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Miracles!

Well everyone! I'm still doing awesomely!! I am still clean and I feel great! It makes me wonder, what took me so long? When I'm in the grip of active addiction, I can't see anything else but the drug. I don't realize I haven't cleaned the house or made dinner or showered. I know....it's awful! But that's what active addiction does to me. I am so glad the obsession has been lifted. I can be clean but obsess over the drug! So I'm celebrating my obsession free time. It's a great day to be alive, clean and obsession free! I am a truly blessed person. The God of my understanding is good to me. Number 1 reason is I am still alive! The situations I used to put myself in, I could've been snatched up anytime (not even from the drug itself). But there was a different plan for me. One that included a very loving son. I was told at the age of 16, that I would not have children due to my "lack of self-respect". I caught something that could be cured with antibiotics, but by the time I realized anything was wrong, it was too late the damage had been done. So 10 years later, when my doctor told me I was pregnant...it was a MIRACLE! I always wanted a little boy, from the time I was young. I wanted to name him after my father, and my prayer was answered. So, you see, I have another incredible miracle to be thankful for. And the love that this child has for me, is UNBELIEVABLE! Everything I put him through, (because when I am in active addiction, my family suffers right there with me) he still loves me. And then 3 years later I was blessed with the most amazing man I've ever met (although at the time I had no clue that this was my soul mate). He has stuck by my side through thick and thin and back to thick. He is a recovering addict as well, and through all my relapses, he never once did. His explanation is that, he knew if he "went down that path with me, that would be the end of us as a family". He wasn't willing to give me and my son up for anything. And believe me, there were times where I pushed him to leave. I did everything in my power to try and make him go. Not because I really wanted him to leave. But because I felt like I wasn't worth a thing. He kept telling me he loved me and I was gonna show him that that's impossible. He really doesn't love me and never will love someone like me. But he stayed, and picked me up, and showed me what TRUE LOVE really was. Not physical attraction or love in good times and good times. But that he had UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me. So...I have 3 strong miracles in my life. I'm alive, I have a child and I have someone who loves me unconditionally. My life is complete. I am truly blessed. I need to remember these things if ever my disease wants to creep up on me. And I needed to share this blog with everyone. So I thank you for reading.

I MADE IT!

The other day I was sitting, doing my school work when I realized, I don't want to use anymore! This was the first time I felt like that since my relapse. My assignment was about visualization. I had to visualize characteristics that I'd need to earn my degree, and visualize one time in my life that I had those characteristics. I remembered how it felt to live clean and sober, because obviously, I wouldn't have those characteristics when using. Anyway, I brought myself back to that moment in time and felt what it felt like to live clean. I could smell it, taste it! I made it! I stayed clean long enough to actually not want to use. I got over the hump. This is the most wonderful feeling in the world! I know some of you who read my blog aren't addicts, but if you could imagine...living in a dark hole, forgetting how to live, and then one day you remember how to live in the light. I just wanted to share that with everyone.  I'm on my way, finally.  It's been a long, dark road, but it made me who I am today.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

It's been awhile since I've bogged, I've been so busy with school these past 2 weeks. But I must say, I'm doing well when it comes to my addiction.........and then today happens....
Like I said, I haven't relapsed. Good, right? Well, my fiancé was looking for something and found an old unused portion of a substance. He FLIPPED!
Of course he doesn't believe it's old. I immediately threw it out. Still, he doesn't believe. He said a lot of hurtful things. I feel awful because some of what he said (things about the past) are true. I was a liar,  I did go outside of my relationship, I did use down here in Texas. But that was the past. Not now. I've been diving into my school work. It sort of became my new obsession. But now he thinks that while he's at work all day, I'm lying, saying I'm doing school work when I'm just getting high. Which is NOT TRUE! But after all of my past lies, how is he to believe this one truth?  I also had a super bad night at work last night. Bad enough that I just gave my 2 weeks. Now I'm jobless and I might be single. He said he can't take anymore and he's going to leave. He said he is "living a life of hell" with me. Do you know how horrible I feel. That this good man looks at me like a life of hell. Between last night and today I feel so depressed. And I've been taking my meds. So i know what I feel isn't my illness. If I cause this much pain in people's lives....Why am I around?
Things were going well, now I feel feelings of Hopelessness, Desperation, and Despair. 

NOT A GOOD DAY!

Today Was NOT a Good Day!!!

It started out bad from the beginning. My fiancé was so angry with me. It was nothing but fighting all day! It made me want to use. I feel like, who cares anyway?!? All the negative thoughts came spewing out of my head. Then I realized my son was awake. So I kept my mouth shut. I remember days of my mom and dad arguing. It was awful. I hated her for it. I hated her even more when he died because I needed someone to blame and she was the perfect target.

I don't want my son growing up like that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just sweep up my family and place us in a different life. But, I can't, and this is the life we've got. I know I can make it better by staying clean. So why now, don't I care? What is wrong with me?!? I hate this part in recovery. The cross road to say whether you'll be going back out or staying in. It seems like today was just the perfect day to go out. But then I read today about how feelings aren't fact, and feelings pass like gas. When will mine pass. Take One Day at a Time, right. I'm at a minute. But my minute is still here. When will these feelings go away. I know if I were to use that it wouldn't make the situation any better, but I'd feel better for the moment. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd feel worthless and shameful. Maybe I be overwhelmed with guilt, Well, for tonight I'll just go to sleep miserable. I hope I wake up tomorrow, I've never been this angry at life before!!!

I can't talk to my friends because the ones I know use. I don't know too many people down here yet. I've been here a year and haven't made the best choices in stable friends so far. That a whole other issue that is a connection to my Learning to Love Myself. I associate with people who are right there with me. Because I know I won't disappoint them.

Well, hopefully tomorrow is better. I don't know how long I can hold on. Maybe another day?? Maybe not. Who knows, I sure don't. I only know that today was not a good day!

SADNESS AND DARKNESS

I am greatful today. Don't get me wrong. I have my amazing son and my ever so loving and faithful fiancé. What more could I ask for? We're all fairly healthy. We have a roof, food, heat and water. The family unit is very important to me. Which is not how I was brought up. Now, I'm not trying to throw my mom under the bus  it's just how I remember it....

My childhood came to a screeching hault when my father passed. I was 8 and I couldn't handle the fact that I would never see my father again. My mother did the best she could.  I know that. But she couldn't handle it either. My dad had only been 29 and no one thought he'd die before her, at least not at age 29. She was 10 years older than him. After he died, my mother went into a deep depression. My sister, the only sibling that I knew I had at the time, was 16 years older than me with her own 3 year old child. She didn't live with us and it wasn't like we had a whole lot in common. My brother (who at this time thought was my uncle) was 18 years older than me, again....nothing in common. And lastly, my youngest sister, who I only knew existed when I turned 16. So it's just me and mom. And wait, her ex-husband, my oldest sister's father would come over time to time and try to help us out financially. He is a good man. He stayed friends with my mom and was there for my father's funeral. My nephew (the 3 year old child) became the closest to me. Out of all my family, we're still the closest. We're the only ones each of us has, that we can really be honest with. But, how can I, an 8 year old, talk to him, a 3 year old, about my feeling of sadness and darkness that consumed me. This was definitely, the icing on the cake, that sealed my fate to turn to mind and mood altering substances.

Take for today as an example. A light went on in my head. I use because I don't want to feel. Feel stress, feel sadness, feel anxious, anything negative....I was not given the tools to learn how to cope.

"Using IS my coping mechanism. I'm not trying to hurt ANYONE! I just don't know how to feel."

I don't want to be deceitful and lie. I don't want my son to be embarrassed of me. I don't want my fiancé to leave. I dont want to hurt the ones I love. But, like I say, "You have to Learn to Love Yourself before you can love others." Which is exactly what I am trying to do with these blogs. Stay clean long enough to truly love myself. Otherwise, I'll never show my amazing family how much I do love them.

And so, like I started with, I don't mean throw my mother under the bus, but we weren't a "nuclear" family at all. Not that that's a bad thing. But I missed that, growing up with a mother and father, and throw a couple of siblings in my own age. Don't get me wrong:

 I love All My Siblings and wouldn't trade them in for the world!

GOING GOOD

So....yesterday was my first day of online college. I am taking 2 courses.

"Pathways to Academic & Professional Success" is my first course. This course, (I can already tell), is exactly what I was missing the first 2 times I went to college. It helps you figure out where your strengths are and helps you identify your weaknesses, so you can study and do well in school. Perfect, perfect, perfect course for me. I'm really starting to think 100% that I made the right decision. So far I've learned I am strong in self motivation.  Just hearing a response from an assessment like that gives me motivation and mental strength. I was also told I am not so good in managing my time, which I already knew. But here's the thing, I knew, but that's it. I knew. I didn't have suggestions on how to fix the problem. Now I know to write stuff down that I have to do. Prioritize! And give myself time limits.

My second course is "Intro to Criminal Justice". Oh yeah, have I told you I've alway, my whole life, wanted to go into some area of law.

When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge. (First female at that time.) When I was in my 20's, I worked for a law firm and I wanted to be a paralegal. And now, I would love to become a
Criminal Defense Attorney! 
That's right, a criminal defense attorney. First I will get my paralegal degree. Once I secure a job as a paralegal...I will go to law school! 

I will be financially stable after passing the BAR. I will donate some of my time to people who can't afford an attorney and are stuck with public defenders. As long as I believe in their case, I will take it Pro-Bono. I believe everyone,  whether rich or poor, should get excellent legal service.  And I've been on the other side 1 too many times with a public defender. They get the job done, but that's it. They get the job done . 

Anyway,  
HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!

SCHOOL STARTS

School starts tomorrow! 
I'm starting back, well actually I'm attending, you could say, for the first time. 

2 other times I attempted school. The first time I was just 21....funny, I signed up with my sister who is 16 years older than me....she was 37. I am now, 37. Anyway, we signed up at community college together. I don't have to say what obviously happened to me.....I dropped out. I wanted to party and not study....AT ALL! So, when it came time for our first quiz,  I knew nothing. I stood up, went over to the teacher with my quiz in hand...and said, "Nothing you taught is on this quiz." Well, she informed me that the quiz was on the material she assigned us to read. So I walked out. Just left. I felt relieved really. Now I could go to the bar every night and not have my sister, with whom I was living, get on my case. Of course, she works in computers, for some company. Traveling around the U.S. showing people how to use some software. And me....well, I'm just beginning. 

The second time, I had my son...he was 4. I was living in my mom's basement apartment. I had been clean for 3 years at this point. Well, I just started dabbling.  So I get the idea, probably high one day, to go to school again. I signed up, but by the time school started I was in full active addiction. Physically addicted.  So needless to say I think I went to 2 classes at the most. 1 class one day, and a different class a week later. I couldn't even make the 2 classes the same week.

So why then, now...I'm when I'm struggling to stay clean...am I going back to school? I can't give you an answer. It just feels right. I believe my situation now is different. I believe school will put me on the right track. I'm trying to stay clean this time. Not trying to get high.

RELAPSE IN RECOVERY

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in recovery)

I thought, if someone just gave me the right ultimatum, I'd never use again. Why was I so different? Why couldn't I live without putting chemicals into my body? What was wrong with ME? I know people who, from the time they first stepped into the rooms....haven't relapsed. Why couldn't that be me? Take my fiancé, he decided 10 years ago that....that was it. He wasn't gonna live that way anymore. And that's that. He hasn't. Through all my B.S., nothing. I'm jealous of him and his ability to do that.

But.....THAT'S NOT ME....

So, what do I do? Simple really......

I have to be the one to make the decision to NEVER USE AGAIN!

That's right. So simple, yet so difficult. I must be the one to decide. No one can force me. No one can give me an ultimatum.  No one can do it for me. So.....until something clicks inside of me, (I may need to hit my heas a few more times,) I'll just keep coming back.

Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in my story)....

Hopefully it won't be for long. With each relapse I get closer to that beautiful day, where I can Learn to Love Myself enough to not put chemicals in my body.

MY YEAR IN REVIEW

My Year In Review....

This past year has been one Rollercoaster Ride, for me & my family. January 1, 2014, we were on the road driving from Philadelphia, PA to Austin, TX. I was at the bottom with my addiction. Using every day, spending obscene amounts of money every day. My fiancé gave me an ultimatum, move or he leaves. So, January 1, 2014, we packed our SUV with clothes, our son's video games and toys, 2 chihuahuas, 2 cats and left. We didn't have even $2,000 for the trip (gas, food, hotels). But we made it, somehow, to my sister's home in Spicewood, TX.

Those 4 days of driving, I thought about using....but it wasn't until we reached our destination that I started freaking out, (in my head). "Where was I going to get my stuff?"

REALITY SET IN!

This was the deal I made with my fiancé. To move and stop using. We tried detox, rehabs, nothing could help. We were hoping the move would at least get us far enough away to where I'd get some forced clean time. We thought if I could get enough time, (even forced) I'd remember how it feels to be clean. Everything was fine until April 24, 2014....which It told you about previously in "Struggle".

I don't remember the first time I picked up in Texas, but I do know I almost repeated the same pattern I had in PA. Almost. I caught myself this time. YES, MY LIFE BECAME UNMANAGEABLE & YES, I WAS POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, but this time I was at a point where I could stop, or so I thought. It took me going back to PA to get away from the substance that roams the area I live in down South. Since I've been back, I've picked up twice. Yes I said twice. Today, I stopped calling Janey and went my own way. I've been upset ever since. 

So now I have a new date,  January 2, 2015. And I only pray that this is my last date. I told you I would be brutally honest. And I will keep that promise. Even if it means more humiliation. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I'd rather have people talk behind my back, but be clean, then people thinking I'm clean and secretly killing myself. 

I didn't start off the year the greatest, but it doesn't mean the year will be bad. Last year I was definitely worse off.  So if I've made an improvement, even small, that's good enough for me.

(Names have been changed.)

STRUGGLE

I was not feeling so well last night, so I woke up this morning and decided to write today. I'm a day behind, but still haven't used. I'm STRUGGLING today though....

In the past, I would have used as soon as I woke up, if I felt like it. Not said a word to anyone and used.  I'm writing now, so my readers know EXACTLY where I am. I will ALWAYS BE HONEST.

I had a few slips in December. Nothing continuous, but I need continuous clean time! It's New Year's Eve and it's going to be a difficult time for me. A lot of people are partying and drinking, I'm glad I don't crave alcohol. Not to say I can drink. The last time I was drinking...

April 24, 2014...I'll never forget that day night. I was catering, my first place of employment down here in the South. They put me in the kitchen to help the Chefs. Once the event was over, the Chefs decided to open up their bottle of Tequila (I believe that was the bottle they brought. It could have been Vodka for all I know, or can remember.) Anyway, I had a few shots with them, shots in plastic cups....so it could have been double shots. Afterwards, I went to drive home, and this is where it gets REALLY FUZZY! It was my first time driving home alone from this venue. I remember they were doing construction on the way home at this circle type thing, like they have in Jersey. Well, the circles in Jersey are brightly lit up. Here, NO LIGHTS AT ALL. (Which is what I told myself, LIED TO MYSELF, why I had the accident.) So, I'm driving down the road....and swerve off of it so forceful that I hit a tree, bounced back and slammed into another tree. If you can picture, my car was stuck between 2 trees. I'm down a hill, have NO IDEA WHERE I AM AT. So I call my fiance, yes, the man I've been putting through hell with my addiction for 7 years at this point. I'm crying, telling him I've been in an accident and don't know where I'm at. (Later he told me that I called him before I left, and he could tell that I was drinking and in no shape to drive home. He said he asked me what the address was so he could come get me. He said I refused saying that I was OK to drive.) Now, he's at home, asleep with our 10 year old boy. He jumps up, calls my sister (she knew where I was working and the route I'd take home.) He calls 911. Thank God man stopped on the side of the road and waited with me, he gave my exact location to my fiance. Needless to say, the police arrived and gave me a field sobriety test, which I could not pass at all. So they asked if I would take a breathalyzer test. I agreed, they arrested me (MY 10 YEAR OLD WATCHING EVERYTHING). Once in lock up, I find out I'm double the limit. Thank God I was wearing my seat belt. Even with, I had a nasty bump/bruise on my forehead from hitting, I'm assuming, the steering wheel. A day later, I was released with a court date. Which I later plead "No Contest" and received 18 months probation, 9 of those months I have a PAM device (Portable Alcohol Monitoring Device) which is costly, 70 hours of community service, court/probation fees, a few classes which are costly AND timely. 

SO, IF I EVER THINK I CAN DRINK, BECAUSE ALCOHOL WASN'T MY THING..............

Think again. All I must do is REMEMBER WHERE I CAME FROM as recently as April 24, 2014, and with the help from my Higher Power, I will not drink. Because ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. It might be legal, and anyone who's NOT an addict can probably handle it, but.......

I'M AN ADDICT, and I can not handle Any Mood or Mind Altering Chemicals. Hell, I get addicted to anything,  the computer, cleaning, blogging, whatever. 

Now, I just had a week, right? That day I count from....I didn't get high, but I bought and tried to. That's enough to count as a relapse for me. I eventually threw it out, but being that close is too close for me.

So thank you to my readers. Because today, you just helped me get another day clean.

ANNIVERSARY/SHORT & SWEET

It may not seem like a big deal to some, but I'm at my one week anniversary! One week without any chemicals in my body. I've been here before, recently....

VERY RECENTLY

I only hope this time I can make it past 2. I told you in the beginning, I was going to be brutally honest. It doesn't get much more honest than that.

Do you know how hard it is to admit in a blog, online, for the world to see that you're on a week? But if I'm not honest right now....I'll relapse.

And I'll do anything to stay clean.

ANYTHING! !

LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS

LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS.... 
This is the hardest part about staying clean for me. The past couple days have been a struggle for me. Just life showing up. 

I remember living on South Street in Philadelphia when I was 18, my first apartment. (By the time I was 18 years old I had been getting high everyday for 4 years.) I remember 8:00 am would come around and I'd look outside and see people walking to work or school, hailing cabs,  getting on buses. But I was just coming home from a Rave Party, coming down from whatever drug and thinking,  "How do they do it? How do ALL these people,  get up....go to work....EVERYDAY....and NOT do drugs? How are they living life WITHOUT chemicals?" And, "Why can't I?" 

Well, I know it all started when I was 8 years old and my father died. He recently turned 29 and was not sick, so it was a huge shock for everyone, ESPECIALLY me. I cried so hard and so long, my mother couldn't handle it. She broke down and gave me a valuim,  probably a little piece. But that was the beginning of the end. Now, I don't blame my mom, she was going through her own stuff and did what she thought was right. But that woke up something inside of me...my ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY. So, from then on, when I was sad, I'd take one of those "blue" pills. And when those "blue" pills got me too tired, I found capsules (diet pills, I'm sure) in the medicine cabinet to "wake me up".  So I never learned how to live life on life's terms.

Now we're at present day, 30 years later, and I STILL don't know how to live life on life's terms. If I'm sad, I want an instant fix....when I'm tired, I want an instant fix....I don't know how to deal with situations without the use of chemicals. But I must learn. And I will, 

"ONE DAY AT A TIME".

If I want to break the cycle, and I do, I MUST learn. I believe addiction is part genetic and part environment. So, knowing how much I love my son and knowing I can't change genetics, what CAN I do? I can change how I react in situations thereby teaching my son that you DON'T need chemicals to live. All the while truly showing him love, because I will have

"Learned to Love Myself".

WRECKAGE FROM MY PAST

It's Christmas! And guess who, for the first time in a long time is clean this holiday? ME! It's a wonderful feeling, being here mentally, for my family. It was the best Christmas morning ever. But, like anything, nothing stay perfect forever. The wreckage of my past crept up on me today. I was confronted with 2 huge decisions.

First, I was having a conversation with my fiancé. As I mentioned, this man has been through it with me. And all through my bull, he's been the most loving, supportive, forgiving and faithful man I have ever met. He does not deserve what I put him through during my active addiction. All my lying and sneaking around, all of my manipulation and "just not being the person who he fell in love with". (Because I fell in love with a chemical.) So, I decided to try and get help online. When he asked what I was doing,  I could have lied, once again.  But I'm trying to change my ways and live right. So I told him, "I'm looking for online recovery help." One thing I did not mention was thato this journey I'm taking with all of you, beginning to recovery and learning to love myself.....well...my fiancé did NOT know I recently I had relapsed. Well, he did, but was waiting for me to "come clean". I thought I could just move past this point in my life without making waves. But it looks like I couldn't. So I decided to be honest. That caused an argument. An argument that I can't and DON'T DESERVE to win.

WHY?????

Because EVERYTHING he said was the truth. Not 1 lie, not 1 exaggeration. I hurt him so badly. He can only take so much. Love  CAN NOT conquer all!

So I come to my second dilemma: Do I leave him BECAUSE I love him so much and I don't want to keep doing this to him? CAN/WILL this be my last run? I want nothing more than to be a family. But I also know me. Me as an addict,  I should say. And I'm terrified! What if I can't do this. What if I fall. What Do I do. I don't want to be the cause of his pain any longer.

And after all of that emotion and anxiety, I've made my decision:

WHY am I doing this? WHY am I blogging?? WHY am I reaching out to people with years clean for help?? WHY am I joining online recovery communities?? WHY? 

Because I want to recover, I want to Learn to Love Myself. So that in return I can love others. 

I am on my way, I do not need negative thoughts through out my head. Those thoughts will have me back out there in no time. I can only do this One Day at a Time! 

Just for Today I will not let negative thoughts rule my mind!

And that's all I need "Just for Today". Because yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. All I have is today. And I made it through another one.

Just For Today

LOOKING UP

As my head begins to clear and my medicine starts to work, (when I'm in active addiction I stop taking my mental health medication,) I begin to have good days. Now, I know not everyday will be a good day, but today was awesome! I also know a lot has to do with my medication, but a lot also has to do with me being clean and sober this Christmas.

I've already received much more help than I expected. Janey has been there on a recent bad day. I want so badly what she has.....sobriety for years. But I know I can only get there 1 day at a time.

So,why was my day so good? Because I realized I have EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE AT HOME! I have the greatest family. The most amazing little boy (who's not going to be little for long). His love alone is what I must remember when I get urges, cravings, crazy thoughts. The thing that scares me is an addict can justify using at any moment:

I'm happy.....I'm sad.....I'm bored.....I'm anything really, and guess who's an addict.


But for right now, tonight, I'm good. And I can't ask for more than that. And my fiancé,  The Most Amazing Man In The World! You would think with all of his support, love and commitment, that I'd never slip. (Slip, what a sugar-coated word for using. ) But again.....any excuse.

Today is a good day though, and there is NO EXCUSE! I do promise, however, to be honest with myself and with you if I do relapse.

I want to thank you for being on this journey with me. It gives me accountability and gives me that extra push I need, as an addict, to be myself.....a recovering addict and not an active one.


(Names have been changed)

MY ADDICTION

It is true what they say, "You must Learn to Love Yourself before you can love anyone else".
And I desperately want to show my precious son and fiance how much I truly DO LOVE THEM!

Today I want to talk about my disease and what I'm doing about it. When I am in active addiction, I don't even recognize me. I completely neglect myself and my family.

First thing is first....do not be in active addiction. I cannot do this on my own.  I need help from people who are in my support system. So, I begin my journey.  A scary but rewarding journey. There is a reason that I don't love myself enough to remain abstinent for any length of time. I am going to try and find out what it is that I loath about myself so much, that I feel the need to harm myself time after time.

This time I am doing things differently.  I asked for help. Asking for help is a huge first step in recovery.  I admitted that there was/is a problem. (STEP 1)

Janey was very open with me when I met her. She had been recovering from this disease for 6 years now. I would love to get 6 years free from using chemicals, so I decided that she would be the one I turned to for help. Over the next few days I'm getting my N/A books out and I'm going to read. I need to figure out this disease so I can begin to love myself again.

My family has been through so much with this disease. My fiance has been the most supportive person in my life. I don't know what I would've done without him all these years. But he is only human, and there is only so much he can take before love just isn't enough.  He's shown me love, support and commitment time and time again. I only wish that one day I can show him the love and respect he deserves from me. I don't mean to be this way. There is something wrong with the way my brain works. Besides the disease of addiction, I have mental illness as well. I'm not making excuses,  just stating facts.

(Names have been changed.)

ADDICTION 101

Most people either know someone, are related to or are an addict Addicts...Wow, what a stigma. What do you think when you hear that word? A poor person living in the inner city, full of crime, maybe even on the street? Dirty needles and drug paraphernalia? Someone you wouldn't give the time of day for? Well, I would like to open you eyes by the end of this post. Addiction is a disease many people live with. There is no know cure for this disease, only a chance of remission/recovery. The disease itself will never go away. But as addicts we have a chance of living a normal productive life as a contributing member of society. 
The first thing I'd like to talk about is addiction as a disease. Once an addict, always an addict...BUT that does NOT mean we must be active addicts. addiction can be put into remission and we CAN recover.
The second thing I'd like to talk about, is this disease cares nothing about color, social status or financial wealth. Addictions come in many forms. From workaholics, to food addicts, to drug addicts and alcoholics. 
The third is the stigma..Addicts are liars, cheaters and flat out "BAD"  people. 
First of all, addiction is a disease I know all too well about. From immediate family to myself. Addiction doesn't have a face. It doesn't care about you high class neighborhood with your exclusive friends. It can attack the upper class man with the beautiful wife, house, kids, perfect life, right? Until he begins to hires an escort on the side because he is addicted to sex. Food is an addiction, work, exercise, dieting. Anything that can be done in excess. An addict's brain takes everything to excess. For instance me. Sure, I can get hooked on illegal substances in the blink of an eye. But my disease is much more than an addiction to one substance, or one area. My disease will show up in all areas of my life. For example, I could work real hard not to use any illegal substances. And that may work for a while. But the root of my disease....I have a void, a dis-ease in my life. And this is NOT something that can be fixed externally. This is a problem I have inside of me. A problem only I can fix. Not a new boyfriend, not a great job with great pay. Not shopping, Not sex. I've learned, using drugs is only a SYMPTOM of my disease. The disease will tell me to do anything and everything I can think of to take myself "Outside" of myself. Plain and simple...I am unhappy with me. Not my boyfriend, not my job, not anything but me. And I've come to realize, once I put down the drug...which was numbing my pain from this void, I start to feel intensely, all the pain, hurt, guilt and shame from me using. And it hits me all at once. So, if I am not starting to work on myself at this early stage, or at least learn AND USE coping mechanisms for Life on Life's Terms, the end result will ALWAYS be a chemical relapse. Maybe at first, I might use shopping or sex, but eventually THAT will weigh on my conscience and I'll want to numb my feelings and emotions.....so I go back to the only thing I know that works....DRUGS. Now....on the flip side. A RECOVERING ADDICT. One who is living right, working on themselves (with a mentor-not alone), well....this scenario I just painted could very possibly end different. Coping skills are huge in recovery. Addicts (I) use because I can not do what everyone else seems to be able to do.... handle Life on Life's Terms. Something everyone else seems to do easily too. What happens with an Addict, (besides the genetic aspect,) at an early age there is usually some type of trauma we never learned to work through. From Parental divorce, to death, to abuse. Even witnessing abuse. We think we were too small to remember or have it affect us. we don't get the proper help, and we self medicate. No one says "I wanted to be an addict when I grow up". This disease does not care if you are White, Black, Hispanic, Asian, male, female, transgender, straight, gay, bi, transsexual, rich, poor, from the Upper East or Lower West. GOT IT? This is a human disease, again, for which there is NO KNOWN CURE, only the chance of recovery. We will always have the disease of addictions, but remission is possible. There is no vaccine. DO NOT think you are immune. It's cunning and baffling and will sneak up when you least expect. We are very intelligent people. We figure out our issue (pain) and we learn how to make ourselves feel better. Self medicate. We are resourceful people and extremely talented. We are very creative too. Imagine if we put all of our energy, ways to make money and living off of nothing, and all our desires, in to something good instead of something negative. we'd change the world! We are kind hearted and compassionate people. We DO make bad choices, but most of those bad choices are a result of our disease, not who we really are. If you have questions or comments, please do not hesitate to post. Being an addict has given me the amazing gift of an open mind. I take criticism well (I'm not a push over, I will stand up for myself). But I would love to hear your thoughts, wheather you agree or disagree. Thanks!