LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS....
This is the hardest part about staying clean for me. The past couple days have been a struggle for me. Just life showing up.
I remember living on South Street in Philadelphia when I was 18, my first apartment. (By the time I was 18 years old I had been getting high everyday for 4 years.) I remember 8:00 am would come around and I'd look outside and see people walking to work or school, hailing cabs, getting on buses. But I was just coming home from a Rave Party, coming down from whatever drug and thinking, "How do they do it? How do ALL these people, get up....go to work....EVERYDAY....and NOT do drugs? How are they living life WITHOUT chemicals?" And, "Why can't I?"
Well, I know it all started when I was 8 years old and my father died. He recently turned 29 and was not sick, so it was a huge shock for everyone, ESPECIALLY me. I cried so hard and so long, my mother couldn't handle it. She broke down and gave me a valuim, probably a little piece. But that was the beginning of the end. Now, I don't blame my mom, she was going through her own stuff and did what she thought was right. But that woke up something inside of me...my ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY. So, from then on, when I was sad, I'd take one of those "blue" pills. And when those "blue" pills got me too tired, I found capsules (diet pills, I'm sure) in the medicine cabinet to "wake me up". So I never learned how to live life on life's terms.
Now we're at present day, 30 years later, and I STILL don't know how to live life on life's terms. If I'm sad, I want an instant fix....when I'm tired, I want an instant fix....I don't know how to deal with situations without the use of chemicals. But I must learn. And I will,
"ONE DAY AT A TIME".
If I want to break the cycle, and I do, I MUST learn. I believe addiction is part genetic and part environment. So, knowing how much I love my son and knowing I can't change genetics, what CAN I do? I can change how I react in situations thereby teaching my son that you DON'T need chemicals to live. All the while truly showing him love, because I will have
"Learned to Love Myself".