Learn to Love Yourself

Sunday, January 18, 2015

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

It's been awhile since I've bogged, I've been so busy with school these past 2 weeks. But I must say, I'm doing well when it comes to my addiction.........and then today happens....
Like I said, I haven't relapsed. Good, right? Well, my fiancé was looking for something and found an old unused portion of a substance. He FLIPPED!
Of course he doesn't believe it's old. I immediately threw it out. Still, he doesn't believe. He said a lot of hurtful things. I feel awful because some of what he said (things about the past) are true. I was a liar,  I did go outside of my relationship, I did use down here in Texas. But that was the past. Not now. I've been diving into my school work. It sort of became my new obsession. But now he thinks that while he's at work all day, I'm lying, saying I'm doing school work when I'm just getting high. Which is NOT TRUE! But after all of my past lies, how is he to believe this one truth?  I also had a super bad night at work last night. Bad enough that I just gave my 2 weeks. Now I'm jobless and I might be single. He said he can't take anymore and he's going to leave. He said he is "living a life of hell" with me. Do you know how horrible I feel. That this good man looks at me like a life of hell. Between last night and today I feel so depressed. And I've been taking my meds. So i know what I feel isn't my illness. If I cause this much pain in people's lives....Why am I around?
Things were going well, now I feel feelings of Hopelessness, Desperation, and Despair.