Today Was NOT a Good Day!!!
It started out bad from the beginning. My fiancé was so angry with me. It was nothing but fighting all day! It made me want to use. I feel like, who cares anyway?!? All the negative thoughts came spewing out of my head. Then I realized my son was awake. So I kept my mouth shut. I remember days of my mom and dad arguing. It was awful. I hated her for it. I hated her even more when he died because I needed someone to blame and she was the perfect target.
I don't want my son growing up like that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just sweep up my family and place us in a different life. But, I can't, and this is the life we've got. I know I can make it better by staying clean. So why now, don't I care? What is wrong with me?!? I hate this part in recovery. The cross road to say whether you'll be going back out or staying in. It seems like today was just the perfect day to go out. But then I read today about how feelings aren't fact, and feelings pass like gas. When will mine pass. Take One Day at a Time, right. I'm at a minute. But my minute is still here. When will these feelings go away. I know if I were to use that it wouldn't make the situation any better, but I'd feel better for the moment. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd feel worthless and shameful. Maybe I be overwhelmed with guilt, Well, for tonight I'll just go to sleep miserable. I hope I wake up tomorrow, I've never been this angry at life before!!!
I can't talk to my friends because the ones I know use. I don't know too many people down here yet. I've been here a year and haven't made the best choices in stable friends so far. That a whole other issue that is a connection to my Learning to Love Myself. I associate with people who are right there with me. Because I know I won't disappoint them.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is better. I don't know how long I can hold on. Maybe another day?? Maybe not. Who knows, I sure don't. I only know that today was not a good day!