Thursday, January 22, 2015
I MADE IT!
The other day I was sitting, doing my school work when I realized, I don't want to use anymore! This was the first time I felt like that since my relapse. My assignment was about visualization. I had to visualize characteristics that I'd need to earn my degree, and visualize one time in my life that I had those characteristics. I remembered how it felt to live clean and sober, because obviously, I wouldn't have those characteristics when using. Anyway, I brought myself back to that moment in time and felt what it felt like to live clean. I could smell it, taste it! I made it! I stayed clean long enough to actually not want to use. I got over the hump. This is the most wonderful feeling in the world! I know some of you who read my blog aren't addicts, but if you could imagine...living in a dark hole, forgetting how to live, and then one day you remember how to live in the light. I just wanted to share that with everyone. I'm on my way, finally. It's been a long, dark road, but it made me who I am today.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
It's been awhile since I've bogged, I've been so busy with school these past 2 weeks. But I must say, I'm doing well when it comes to my addiction.........and then today happens....
Like I said, I haven't relapsed. Good, right? Well, my fiancé was looking for something and found an old unused portion of a substance. He FLIPPED!
Of course he doesn't believe it's old. I immediately threw it out. Still, he doesn't believe. He said a lot of hurtful things. I feel awful because some of what he said (things about the past) are true. I was a liar, I did go outside of my relationship, I did use down here in Texas. But that was the past. Not now. I've been diving into my school work. It sort of became my new obsession. But now he thinks that while he's at work all day, I'm lying, saying I'm doing school work when I'm just getting high. Which is NOT TRUE! But after all of my past lies, how is he to believe this one truth? I also had a super bad night at work last night. Bad enough that I just gave my 2 weeks. Now I'm jobless and I might be single. He said he can't take anymore and he's going to leave. He said he is "living a life of hell" with me. Do you know how horrible I feel. That this good man looks at me like a life of hell. Between last night and today I feel so depressed. And I've been taking my meds. So i know what I feel isn't my illness. If I cause this much pain in people's lives....Why am I around?
Things were going well, now I feel feelings of Hopelessness, Desperation, and Despair.
Like I said, I haven't relapsed. Good, right? Well, my fiancé was looking for something and found an old unused portion of a substance. He FLIPPED!
Of course he doesn't believe it's old. I immediately threw it out. Still, he doesn't believe. He said a lot of hurtful things. I feel awful because some of what he said (things about the past) are true. I was a liar, I did go outside of my relationship, I did use down here in Texas. But that was the past. Not now. I've been diving into my school work. It sort of became my new obsession. But now he thinks that while he's at work all day, I'm lying, saying I'm doing school work when I'm just getting high. Which is NOT TRUE! But after all of my past lies, how is he to believe this one truth? I also had a super bad night at work last night. Bad enough that I just gave my 2 weeks. Now I'm jobless and I might be single. He said he can't take anymore and he's going to leave. He said he is "living a life of hell" with me. Do you know how horrible I feel. That this good man looks at me like a life of hell. Between last night and today I feel so depressed. And I've been taking my meds. So i know what I feel isn't my illness. If I cause this much pain in people's lives....Why am I around?
Things were going well, now I feel feelings of Hopelessness, Desperation, and Despair.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
NOT A GOOD DAY!
Today Was NOT a Good Day!!!
It started out bad from the beginning. My fiancé was so angry with me. It was nothing but fighting all day! It made me want to use. I feel like, who cares anyway?!? All the negative thoughts came spewing out of my head. Then I realized my son was awake. So I kept my mouth shut. I remember days of my mom and dad arguing. It was awful. I hated her for it. I hated her even more when he died because I needed someone to blame and she was the perfect target.
I don't want my son growing up like that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just sweep up my family and place us in a different life. But, I can't, and this is the life we've got. I know I can make it better by staying clean. So why now, don't I care? What is wrong with me?!? I hate this part in recovery. The cross road to say whether you'll be going back out or staying in. It seems like today was just the perfect day to go out. But then I read today about how feelings aren't fact, and feelings pass like gas. When will mine pass. Take One Day at a Time, right. I'm at a minute. But my minute is still here. When will these feelings go away. I know if I were to use that it wouldn't make the situation any better, but I'd feel better for the moment. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd feel worthless and shameful. Maybe I be overwhelmed with guilt, Well, for tonight I'll just go to sleep miserable. I hope I wake up tomorrow, I've never been this angry at life before!!!
I can't talk to my friends because the ones I know use. I don't know too many people down here yet. I've been here a year and haven't made the best choices in stable friends so far. That a whole other issue that is a connection to my Learning to Love Myself. I associate with people who are right there with me. Because I know I won't disappoint them.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is better. I don't know how long I can hold on. Maybe another day?? Maybe not. Who knows, I sure don't. I only know that today was not a good day!
It started out bad from the beginning. My fiancé was so angry with me. It was nothing but fighting all day! It made me want to use. I feel like, who cares anyway?!? All the negative thoughts came spewing out of my head. Then I realized my son was awake. So I kept my mouth shut. I remember days of my mom and dad arguing. It was awful. I hated her for it. I hated her even more when he died because I needed someone to blame and she was the perfect target.
I don't want my son growing up like that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just sweep up my family and place us in a different life. But, I can't, and this is the life we've got. I know I can make it better by staying clean. So why now, don't I care? What is wrong with me?!? I hate this part in recovery. The cross road to say whether you'll be going back out or staying in. It seems like today was just the perfect day to go out. But then I read today about how feelings aren't fact, and feelings pass like gas. When will mine pass. Take One Day at a Time, right. I'm at a minute. But my minute is still here. When will these feelings go away. I know if I were to use that it wouldn't make the situation any better, but I'd feel better for the moment. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd feel worthless and shameful. Maybe I be overwhelmed with guilt, Well, for tonight I'll just go to sleep miserable. I hope I wake up tomorrow, I've never been this angry at life before!!!
I can't talk to my friends because the ones I know use. I don't know too many people down here yet. I've been here a year and haven't made the best choices in stable friends so far. That a whole other issue that is a connection to my Learning to Love Myself. I associate with people who are right there with me. Because I know I won't disappoint them.
Well, hopefully tomorrow is better. I don't know how long I can hold on. Maybe another day?? Maybe not. Who knows, I sure don't. I only know that today was not a good day!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
SADNESS AND DARKNESS
I am greatful today. Don't get me wrong. I have my amazing son and my ever so loving and faithful fiancé. What more could I ask for? We're all fairly healthy. We have a roof, food, heat and water. The family unit is very important to me. Which is not how I was brought up. Now, I'm not trying to throw my mom under the bus it's just how I remember it....
My childhood came to a screeching hault when my father passed. I was 8 and I couldn't handle the fact that I would never see my father again. My mother did the best she could. I know that. But she couldn't handle it either. My dad had only been 29 and no one thought he'd die before her, at least not at age 29. She was 10 years older than him. After he died, my mother went into a deep depression. My sister, the only sibling that I knew I had at the time, was 16 years older than me with her own 3 year old child. She didn't live with us and it wasn't like we had a whole lot in common. My brother (who at this time thought was my uncle) was 18 years older than me, again....nothing in common. And lastly, my youngest sister, who I only knew existed when I turned 16. So it's just me and mom. And wait, her ex-husband, my oldest sister's father would come over time to time and try to help us out financially. He is a good man. He stayed friends with my mom and was there for my father's funeral. My nephew (the 3 year old child) became the closest to me. Out of all my family, we're still the closest. We're the only ones each of us has, that we can really be honest with. But, how can I, an 8 year old, talk to him, a 3 year old, about my feeling of sadness and darkness that consumed me. This was definitely, the icing on the cake, that sealed my fate to turn to mind and mood altering substances.
Take for today as an example. A light went on in my head. I use because I don't want to feel. Feel stress, feel sadness, feel anxious, anything negative....I was not given the tools to learn how to cope.
"Using IS my coping mechanism. I'm not trying to hurt ANYONE! I just don't know how to feel."
I don't want to be deceitful and lie. I don't want my son to be embarrassed of me. I don't want my fiancé to leave. I dont want to hurt the ones I love. But, like I say, "You have to Learn to Love Yourself before you can love others." Which is exactly what I am trying to do with these blogs. Stay clean long enough to truly love myself. Otherwise, I'll never show my amazing family how much I do love them.
And so, like I started with, I don't mean throw my mother under the bus, but we weren't a "nuclear" family at all. Not that that's a bad thing. But I missed that, growing up with a mother and father, and throw a couple of siblings in my own age. Don't get me wrong:
I love All My Siblings and wouldn't trade them in for the world!
My childhood came to a screeching hault when my father passed. I was 8 and I couldn't handle the fact that I would never see my father again. My mother did the best she could. I know that. But she couldn't handle it either. My dad had only been 29 and no one thought he'd die before her, at least not at age 29. She was 10 years older than him. After he died, my mother went into a deep depression. My sister, the only sibling that I knew I had at the time, was 16 years older than me with her own 3 year old child. She didn't live with us and it wasn't like we had a whole lot in common. My brother (who at this time thought was my uncle) was 18 years older than me, again....nothing in common. And lastly, my youngest sister, who I only knew existed when I turned 16. So it's just me and mom. And wait, her ex-husband, my oldest sister's father would come over time to time and try to help us out financially. He is a good man. He stayed friends with my mom and was there for my father's funeral. My nephew (the 3 year old child) became the closest to me. Out of all my family, we're still the closest. We're the only ones each of us has, that we can really be honest with. But, how can I, an 8 year old, talk to him, a 3 year old, about my feeling of sadness and darkness that consumed me. This was definitely, the icing on the cake, that sealed my fate to turn to mind and mood altering substances.
Take for today as an example. A light went on in my head. I use because I don't want to feel. Feel stress, feel sadness, feel anxious, anything negative....I was not given the tools to learn how to cope.
"Using IS my coping mechanism. I'm not trying to hurt ANYONE! I just don't know how to feel."
I don't want to be deceitful and lie. I don't want my son to be embarrassed of me. I don't want my fiancé to leave. I dont want to hurt the ones I love. But, like I say, "You have to Learn to Love Yourself before you can love others." Which is exactly what I am trying to do with these blogs. Stay clean long enough to truly love myself. Otherwise, I'll never show my amazing family how much I do love them.
And so, like I started with, I don't mean throw my mother under the bus, but we weren't a "nuclear" family at all. Not that that's a bad thing. But I missed that, growing up with a mother and father, and throw a couple of siblings in my own age. Don't get me wrong:
I love All My Siblings and wouldn't trade them in for the world!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
GOING GOOD
So....yesterday was my first day of online college. I am taking 2 courses.
"Pathways to Academic & Professional Success" is my first course. This course, (I can already tell), is exactly what I was missing the first 2 times I went to college. It helps you figure out where your strengths are and helps you identify your weaknesses, so you can study and do well in school. Perfect, perfect, perfect course for me. I'm really starting to think 100% that I made the right decision. So far I've learned I am strong in self motivation. Just hearing a response from an assessment like that gives me motivation and mental strength. I was also told I am not so good in managing my time, which I already knew. But here's the thing, I knew, but that's it. I knew. I didn't have suggestions on how to fix the problem. Now I know to write stuff down that I have to do. Prioritize! And give myself time limits.
My second course is "Intro to Criminal Justice". Oh yeah, have I told you I've alway, my whole life, wanted to go into some area of law.
When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge. (First female at that time.) When I was in my 20's, I worked for a law firm and I wanted to be a paralegal. And now, I would love to become a
Criminal Defense Attorney!
That's right, a criminal defense attorney. First I will get my paralegal degree. Once I secure a job as a paralegal...I will go to law school!
I will be financially stable after passing the BAR. I will donate some of my time to people who can't afford an attorney and are stuck with public defenders. As long as I believe in their case, I will take it Pro-Bono. I believe everyone, whether rich or poor, should get excellent legal service. And I've been on the other side 1 too many times with a public defender. They get the job done, but that's it. They get the job done .
Anyway,
HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!
My second course is "Intro to Criminal Justice". Oh yeah, have I told you I've alway, my whole life, wanted to go into some area of law.
When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Judge. (First female at that time.) When I was in my 20's, I worked for a law firm and I wanted to be a paralegal. And now, I would love to become a
Criminal Defense Attorney!
That's right, a criminal defense attorney. First I will get my paralegal degree. Once I secure a job as a paralegal...I will go to law school!
I will be financially stable after passing the BAR. I will donate some of my time to people who can't afford an attorney and are stuck with public defenders. As long as I believe in their case, I will take it Pro-Bono. I believe everyone, whether rich or poor, should get excellent legal service. And I've been on the other side 1 too many times with a public defender. They get the job done, but that's it. They get the job done .
Anyway,
HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYONE!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
SCHOOL STARTS
School starts tomorrow!
I'm starting back, well actually I'm attending, you could say, for the first time.
2 other times I attempted school. The first time I was just 21....funny, I signed up with my sister who is 16 years older than me....she was 37. I am now, 37. Anyway, we signed up at community college together. I don't have to say what obviously happened to me.....I dropped out. I wanted to party and not study....AT ALL! So, when it came time for our first quiz, I knew nothing. I stood up, went over to the teacher with my quiz in hand...and said, "Nothing you taught is on this quiz." Well, she informed me that the quiz was on the material she assigned us to read. So I walked out. Just left. I felt relieved really. Now I could go to the bar every night and not have my sister, with whom I was living, get on my case. Of course, she works in computers, for some company. Traveling around the U.S. showing people how to use some software. And me....well, I'm just beginning.
The second time, I had my son...he was 4. I was living in my mom's basement apartment. I had been clean for 3 years at this point. Well, I just started dabbling. So I get the idea, probably high one day, to go to school again. I signed up, but by the time school started I was in full active addiction. Physically addicted. So needless to say I think I went to 2 classes at the most. 1 class one day, and a different class a week later. I couldn't even make the 2 classes the same week.
So why then, now...I'm when I'm struggling to stay clean...am I going back to school? I can't give you an answer. It just feels right. I believe my situation now is different. I believe school will put me on the right track. I'm trying to stay clean this time. Not trying to get high.
I'm starting back, well actually I'm attending, you could say, for the first time.
2 other times I attempted school. The first time I was just 21....funny, I signed up with my sister who is 16 years older than me....she was 37. I am now, 37. Anyway, we signed up at community college together. I don't have to say what obviously happened to me.....I dropped out. I wanted to party and not study....AT ALL! So, when it came time for our first quiz, I knew nothing. I stood up, went over to the teacher with my quiz in hand...and said, "Nothing you taught is on this quiz." Well, she informed me that the quiz was on the material she assigned us to read. So I walked out. Just left. I felt relieved really. Now I could go to the bar every night and not have my sister, with whom I was living, get on my case. Of course, she works in computers, for some company. Traveling around the U.S. showing people how to use some software. And me....well, I'm just beginning.
The second time, I had my son...he was 4. I was living in my mom's basement apartment. I had been clean for 3 years at this point. Well, I just started dabbling. So I get the idea, probably high one day, to go to school again. I signed up, but by the time school started I was in full active addiction. Physically addicted. So needless to say I think I went to 2 classes at the most. 1 class one day, and a different class a week later. I couldn't even make the 2 classes the same week.
So why then, now...I'm when I'm struggling to stay clean...am I going back to school? I can't give you an answer. It just feels right. I believe my situation now is different. I believe school will put me on the right track. I'm trying to stay clean this time. Not trying to get high.
Friday, January 2, 2015
RELAPSE IN RECOVERY
Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in recovery)
I thought, if someone just gave me the right ultimatum, I'd never use again. Why was I so different? Why couldn't I live without putting chemicals into my body? What was wrong with ME? I know people who, from the time they first stepped into the rooms....haven't relapsed. Why couldn't that be me? Take my fiancé, he decided 10 years ago that....that was it. He wasn't gonna live that way anymore. And that's that. He hasn't. Through all my B.S., nothing. I'm jealous of him and his ability to do that.
But.....THAT'S NOT ME....
So, what do I do? Simple really......
I have to be the one to make the decision to NEVER USE AGAIN!
That's right. So simple, yet so difficult. I must be the one to decide. No one can force me. No one can give me an ultimatum. No one can do it for me. So.....until something clicks inside of me, (I may need to hit my heas a few more times,) I'll just keep coming back.
Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in my story)....
Hopefully it won't be for long. With each relapse I get closer to that beautiful day, where I can Learn to Love Myself enough to not put chemicals in my body.
I thought, if someone just gave me the right ultimatum, I'd never use again. Why was I so different? Why couldn't I live without putting chemicals into my body? What was wrong with ME? I know people who, from the time they first stepped into the rooms....haven't relapsed. Why couldn't that be me? Take my fiancé, he decided 10 years ago that....that was it. He wasn't gonna live that way anymore. And that's that. He hasn't. Through all my B.S., nothing. I'm jealous of him and his ability to do that.
But.....THAT'S NOT ME....
So, what do I do? Simple really......
I have to be the one to make the decision to NEVER USE AGAIN!
That's right. So simple, yet so difficult. I must be the one to decide. No one can force me. No one can give me an ultimatum. No one can do it for me. So.....until something clicks inside of me, (I may need to hit my heas a few more times,) I'll just keep coming back.
Relapse is NOT a requirement, but it IS A REALITY (in my story)....
Hopefully it won't be for long. With each relapse I get closer to that beautiful day, where I can Learn to Love Myself enough to not put chemicals in my body.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
MY YEAR IN REVIEW
My Year In Review....
This past year has been one Rollercoaster Ride, for me & my family. January 1, 2014, we were on the road driving from Philadelphia, PA to Austin, TX. I was at the bottom with my addiction. Using every day, spending obscene amounts of money every day. My fiancé gave me an ultimatum, move or he leaves. So, January 1, 2014, we packed our SUV with clothes, our son's video games and toys, 2 chihuahuas, 2 cats and left. We didn't have even $2,000 for the trip (gas, food, hotels). But we made it, somehow, to my sister's home in Spicewood, TX.
Those 4 days of driving, I thought about using....but it wasn't until we reached our destination that I started freaking out, (in my head). "Where was I going to get my stuff?"
REALITY SET IN!
This was the deal I made with my fiancé. To move and stop using. We tried detox, rehabs, nothing could help. We were hoping the move would at least get us far enough away to where I'd get some forced clean time. We thought if I could get enough time, (even forced) I'd remember how it feels to be clean. Everything was fine until April 24, 2014....which It told you about previously in "Struggle".
I don't remember the first time I picked up in Texas, but I do know I almost repeated the same pattern I had in PA. Almost. I caught myself this time. YES, MY LIFE BECAME UNMANAGEABLE & YES, I WAS POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, but this time I was at a point where I could stop, or so I thought. It took me going back to PA to get away from the substance that roams the area I live in down South. Since I've been back, I've picked up twice. Yes I said twice. Today, I stopped calling Janey and went my own way. I've been upset ever since.
So now I have a new date, January 2, 2015. And I only pray that this is my last date. I told you I would be brutally honest. And I will keep that promise. Even if it means more humiliation. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I'd rather have people talk behind my back, but be clean, then people thinking I'm clean and secretly killing myself.
I didn't start off the year the greatest, but it doesn't mean the year will be bad. Last year I was definitely worse off. So if I've made an improvement, even small, that's good enough for me.
(Names have been changed.)
This past year has been one Rollercoaster Ride, for me & my family. January 1, 2014, we were on the road driving from Philadelphia, PA to Austin, TX. I was at the bottom with my addiction. Using every day, spending obscene amounts of money every day. My fiancé gave me an ultimatum, move or he leaves. So, January 1, 2014, we packed our SUV with clothes, our son's video games and toys, 2 chihuahuas, 2 cats and left. We didn't have even $2,000 for the trip (gas, food, hotels). But we made it, somehow, to my sister's home in Spicewood, TX.
Those 4 days of driving, I thought about using....but it wasn't until we reached our destination that I started freaking out, (in my head). "Where was I going to get my stuff?"
REALITY SET IN!
This was the deal I made with my fiancé. To move and stop using. We tried detox, rehabs, nothing could help. We were hoping the move would at least get us far enough away to where I'd get some forced clean time. We thought if I could get enough time, (even forced) I'd remember how it feels to be clean. Everything was fine until April 24, 2014....which It told you about previously in "Struggle".
I don't remember the first time I picked up in Texas, but I do know I almost repeated the same pattern I had in PA. Almost. I caught myself this time. YES, MY LIFE BECAME UNMANAGEABLE & YES, I WAS POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, but this time I was at a point where I could stop, or so I thought. It took me going back to PA to get away from the substance that roams the area I live in down South. Since I've been back, I've picked up twice. Yes I said twice. Today, I stopped calling Janey and went my own way. I've been upset ever since.
So now I have a new date, January 2, 2015. And I only pray that this is my last date. I told you I would be brutally honest. And I will keep that promise. Even if it means more humiliation. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I'd rather have people talk behind my back, but be clean, then people thinking I'm clean and secretly killing myself.
I didn't start off the year the greatest, but it doesn't mean the year will be bad. Last year I was definitely worse off. So if I've made an improvement, even small, that's good enough for me.
(Names have been changed.)
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