It is true what they say, "You must Learn to Love Yourself before you can love anyone else".
And I desperately want to show my precious son and fiance how much I truly DO LOVE THEM!
Today I want to talk about my disease and what I'm doing about it. When I am in active addiction, I don't even recognize me. I completely neglect myself and my family.
First thing is first....do not be in active addiction. I cannot do this on my own. I need help from people who are in my support system. So, I begin my journey. A scary but rewarding journey. There is a reason that I don't love myself enough to remain abstinent for any length of time. I am going to try and find out what it is that I loath about myself so much, that I feel the need to harm myself time after time.
This time I am doing things differently. I asked for help. Asking for help is a huge first step in recovery. I admitted that there was/is a problem. (STEP 1)
Janey was very open with me when I met her. She had been recovering from this disease for 6 years now. I would love to get 6 years free from using chemicals, so I decided that she would be the one I turned to for help. Over the next few days I'm getting my N/A books out and I'm going to read. I need to figure out this disease so I can begin to love myself again.
My family has been through so much with this disease. My fiance has been the most supportive person in my life. I don't know what I would've done without him all these years. But he is only human, and there is only so much he can take before love just isn't enough. He's shown me love, support and commitment time and time again. I only wish that one day I can show him the love and respect he deserves from me. I don't mean to be this way. There is something wrong with the way my brain works. Besides the disease of addiction, I have mental illness as well. I'm not making excuses, just stating facts.
(Names have been changed.)