Learn to Love Yourself

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

STRUGGLE

I was not feeling so well last night, so I woke up this morning and decided to write today. I'm a day behind, but still haven't used. I'm STRUGGLING today though....

In the past, I would have used as soon as I woke up, if I felt like it. Not said a word to anyone and used.  I'm writing now, so my readers know EXACTLY where I am. I will ALWAYS BE HONEST.

I had a few slips in December. Nothing continuous, but I need continuous clean time! It's New Year's Eve and it's going to be a difficult time for me. A lot of people are partying and drinking, I'm glad I don't crave alcohol. Not to say I can drink. The last time I was drinking...

April 24, 2014...I'll never forget that day night. I was catering, my first place of employment down here in the South. They put me in the kitchen to help the Chefs. Once the event was over, the Chefs decided to open up their bottle of Tequila (I believe that was the bottle they brought. It could have been Vodka for all I know, or can remember.) Anyway, I had a few shots with them, shots in plastic cups....so it could have been double shots. Afterwards, I went to drive home, and this is where it gets REALLY FUZZY! It was my first time driving home alone from this venue. I remember they were doing construction on the way home at this circle type thing, like they have in Jersey. Well, the circles in Jersey are brightly lit up. Here, NO LIGHTS AT ALL. (Which is what I told myself, LIED TO MYSELF, why I had the accident.) So, I'm driving down the road....and swerve off of it so forceful that I hit a tree, bounced back and slammed into another tree. If you can picture, my car was stuck between 2 trees. I'm down a hill, have NO IDEA WHERE I AM AT. So I call my fiance, yes, the man I've been putting through hell with my addiction for 7 years at this point. I'm crying, telling him I've been in an accident and don't know where I'm at. (Later he told me that I called him before I left, and he could tell that I was drinking and in no shape to drive home. He said he asked me what the address was so he could come get me. He said I refused saying that I was OK to drive.) Now, he's at home, asleep with our 10 year old boy. He jumps up, calls my sister (she knew where I was working and the route I'd take home.) He calls 911. Thank God man stopped on the side of the road and waited with me, he gave my exact location to my fiance. Needless to say, the police arrived and gave me a field sobriety test, which I could not pass at all. So they asked if I would take a breathalyzer test. I agreed, they arrested me (MY 10 YEAR OLD WATCHING EVERYTHING). Once in lock up, I find out I'm double the limit. Thank God I was wearing my seat belt. Even with, I had a nasty bump/bruise on my forehead from hitting, I'm assuming, the steering wheel. A day later, I was released with a court date. Which I later plead "No Contest" and received 18 months probation, 9 of those months I have a PAM device (Portable Alcohol Monitoring Device) which is costly, 70 hours of community service, court/probation fees, a few classes which are costly AND timely. 

SO, IF I EVER THINK I CAN DRINK, BECAUSE ALCOHOL WASN'T MY THING..............

Think again. All I must do is REMEMBER WHERE I CAME FROM as recently as April 24, 2014, and with the help from my Higher Power, I will not drink. Because ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. It might be legal, and anyone who's NOT an addict can probably handle it, but.......

I'M AN ADDICT, and I can not handle Any Mood or Mind Altering Chemicals. Hell, I get addicted to anything,  the computer, cleaning, blogging, whatever. 

Now, I just had a week, right? That day I count from....I didn't get high, but I bought and tried to. That's enough to count as a relapse for me. I eventually threw it out, but being that close is too close for me.

So thank you to my readers. Because today, you just helped me get another day clean.