It's Christmas! And guess who, for the first time in a long time is clean this holiday? ME! It's a wonderful feeling, being here mentally, for my family. It was the best Christmas morning ever. But, like anything, nothing stay perfect forever. The wreckage of my past crept up on me today. I was confronted with 2 huge decisions.
First, I was having a conversation with my fiancé. As I mentioned, this man has been through it with me. And all through my bull, he's been the most loving, supportive, forgiving and faithful man I have ever met. He does not deserve what I put him through during my active addiction. All my lying and sneaking around, all of my manipulation and "just not being the person who he fell in love with". (Because I fell in love with a chemical.) So, I decided to try and get help online. When he asked what I was doing, I could have lied, once again. But I'm trying to change my ways and live right. So I told him, "I'm looking for online recovery help." One thing I did not mention was thato this journey I'm taking with all of you, beginning to recovery and learning to love myself.....well...my fiancé did NOT know I recently I had relapsed. Well, he did, but was waiting for me to "come clean". I thought I could just move past this point in my life without making waves. But it looks like I couldn't. So I decided to be honest. That caused an argument. An argument that I can't and DON'T DESERVE to win.
Because EVERYTHING he said was the truth. Not 1 lie, not 1 exaggeration. I hurt him so badly. He can only take so much. Love CAN NOT conquer all!
So I come to my second dilemma: Do I leave him BECAUSE I love him so much and I don't want to keep doing this to him? CAN/WILL this be my last run? I want nothing more than to be a family. But I also know me. Me as an addict, I should say. And I'm terrified! What if I can't do this. What if I fall. What Do I do. I don't want to be the cause of his pain any longer.
And after all of that emotion and anxiety, I've made my decision:
WHY am I doing this? WHY am I blogging?? WHY am I reaching out to people with years clean for help?? WHY am I joining online recovery communities?? WHY?
Because I want to recover, I want to Learn to Love Myself. So that in return I can love others.
I am on my way, I do not need negative thoughts through out my head. Those thoughts will have me back out there in no time. I can only do this One Day at a Time!
Just for Today I will not let negative thoughts rule my mind!
And that's all I need "Just for Today". Because yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. All I have is today. And I made it through another one.
Just For Today